Fools! You cannot begin to fathom the essence and truth of the confounding and profound events that transpired on the day I personally discovered the secret of perpetual life! Of course you know by now that only a genius such as I, the great Rufus Aliester Zebulon Plogg Esquire, creator of the mighty twice-turning wheel and solver of the impossible mystery of the third-second actuating tri-duometer could piece together the delicate puzzle that cost so many Yucati lives. Yes, my young and impetuous students, I created The Zombie Gorilla! Zedock merely steered the train. Chadwick and LeStrad? Why those dispensable charlatans couldn’t even solve the purpose of meaning! How could they have created something so pure and impeccable? No, my friends, it was I, and I alone!
We’ve all heard the story about how Solomon Grundy was born on a Monday, well Zombie Gorilla…was not from around here. Several years into the future, my compatriots and I, close followers of the sciences and teachings of the great and Omniscient Z!, embarked upon an epic journey to unravel the great secrets of life and…things! We experimented for years until one day I, Bartholomew Ulysses Simeon Zedock, unraveled the key to re-animating life and traveling through time! I harnessed this amazing power and brought a gorilla back from the dead (Rufus had hit it with our train.)! I know what you are thinking…why would we have a train in the jungle? WELL. Needless to say my compatriots were amazed at my vastly superior intellect and sexual prowess and to this day, several decades in the past, they still admire my stupendously, genius, genius…ness!!…!!!!
Salutations fellow homosapiens. Several imbeciles will spread the rumor that they have found the secrets to re-animating life. I, Pepper LeStrad, am here to tell you that those rumors are false and based solely on superstition from the minds of ingrates that spend most of their day inhaling mounds of coal! I am here to tell you the truth about how the REAL Zombie Gorilla was found. The journey began in a fierce jungle north of the Yucatán Peninsula where I acquired a rare flower from a senile native medicine man, in exchange for a Dorito tortilla chip. Why he took the chip is irrevelant, but it had to do with the fact that I convinced him the chip was a sacred spear tip. I returned home to continue my experiments of brain function with human test subjects, but to my dismay, my attempts were foiled due to a loss of test subjects. Additionally, prior to the use of human test subjects, I was experimenting on the sexual awareness of apes and so I decided to try testing on something slightly more stalwart, or robust as one would say. Ergo, dead gorilla carcass. Therein lies the brilliance and superiority of my intellect. Using a rare extract from the flower, and with the help of my 18 year old Russian assistant, Katinka, I combined it with the genetic markers of the gorilla, thus creating the one true Zombie Gorilla!!
Alas, I, Veritas P. Chadwick, have traveled to the heart of near darkness to study the deep secrets that govern the very souls of man. By sheer grit, determination, pluck and dexterity I fought through cannibals, climbed a pretty tall hill, stubbed my toe on the carcass of a bloated water buffalo, ate the carcass of a dead water buffalo, and nosed my way to the secret village of Nan-Bootoo where the mysterious zombie powder was famed to originate. Upon my arrival, and after inseminating many village girls, I accrued said powder and began my journey home to create an unstoppable army of mindless drones to do my laundry and other nasty things. But fate did not deem my dreams so prudent, and the foul temptress of luck caused a chance meeting with the largest fillibusting gorilla this side of Bangkok. Well, obviously I had no choice but to club the brute with the only thing at my disposal, lest I become some fancy nancy to a 2 ton pre-neanderthal. So, upon him I doused every bit of powder and to this day, the stinking mug wont leave me alone. So, there it is, the true story of how I, Veritas P. Chadwick, cheated death and alone created the Zombie Gorilla.