Delonte West by Keith Allison

Apparently Cleveland Cavalier guard, Delonte West, skipped practice recently. No one really knows why, but the popular theory is that after carrying loaded and concealed weapons in his car (including a shotgun in a guitar case, rock!) he was not in a good place mentally to join the team in preparation for the upcoming season.

Now, I could ask why he felt it was necessary to carry a bunch of loaded weapons in his car but that question has been presented ad nauseum and the answer is always the same: “because I’m a target”. So instead of ignoring this answer and trying to dig down into the deep-seated psychological issues that face West, and other notable gun toting athletes, I’m going to assume that this answer is the absolute truth.

We live in a barbaric society where average everyday Americans want nothing more than to cleave the hard grown brains of famous athletes from their carefully chiseled skulls! It’s a war zone out there, America! We mustn’t stop athletes from carrying guns, No! We need to give them more guns! In fact there should be a provision added to the Constitution that allows… nay, requires all athletes to carry rocket propelled missiles on jet packs. Without such a provision, I fear that professional athletics may cease to exist in this country.

Chidori Kaname (千鳥かなめ) by Yume Photo

Don’t believe me? Well then ask yourself this, what is the first thing you think about in the morning? What’s for breakfast? How in god’s name is it already 7:00am? No, you want people to think that you think that, but Delonte West and I know the truth. You wake up and you immediately think the same thing that everyone else does: I must viciously murder a person today who is my athletic superior! Don’t deny it.

So let’s change our tone today America, let us not punish these athletes for carrying lethal and concealed weaponry, let’s applaud them instead. For they live in a world where whizzing bullets and explosive detonations are a way of life and the only way to stop this is to let our country’s brightest athletes blast the shoulders off of ordinary citizens.

file01920 by by dklimke

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