Dear Mostie,
My wife stopped having “relations” with me a couple days back because she came home early and saw me watching a Lingerie Bowl preview in my underpants on the couch. How can I fix this?
Harvey, Long Island, NY
Dear Harvey,
That’s a shame buddy, but luckily the situation is far from hopeless. I have two words for you, swine flu. That’s right, the only thing stopping you from upside-down intercourse with your quivering bride is a media driven, possibly life-threatening disease dubbed for a mud rolling mammal! You are truly fortunate in your timing here. This disease probably won’t kill you, I mean; you’re a full grown man with a hearty immune system, right? Good!
So go down to the local emergency room, find a person who is vomiting and rub your hands in it. Now wash your hands (without soap) and go to an all-you-can-eat buffet. Eat everything… as fast as you can. Then work your way through about a gallon of milk. By this point you should feel just awful. Go back to the emergency room, check yourself in for swine flu, then (and this is important) throw up everywhere and on everything. Apologize profusely.
The nurses will call your wife, tell her that you have swine flu and that you (poor thing) threw up more than they have ever seen. Your wife will rush to the hospital, worry for your life and forgive all past underpants-based transgressions. Finally, Once you recover, there will be a world class Hump-Fest at Harvey’s!
I sincerely hope this helps,
Mostie
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