Take the 210 in either direction and there’s a Santa Anita exit. Exit Santa Anita and follow it North. All the way Noth. North until you can’t go any more North. The street will go from four-lane to two-lane to a weird twisting path up the mountain. Just keep going North, damn you, until it hits the uterus. The uterus, in this case, looks like a Forest Service parking lot. Park. Do not buy an Adventure Pass, the Adventure pass is a lie, you don’t need it. A frisky Forest Service officer will command, then insist, then beg, then whine at you about it. No matter how pathetic or sad this Forest Ranger seems, do not buy the pass. Make sure you’re there by 8:30 am.

The event takes place far from the parking lot. But the trails there are intractable. So if you’re not there by 8 freaking Thirty you get left in a parking lot. OR, you’ll remain desperate to join us and walk down the hill in a desperate and hopeless attempt to find the party, only to realize that we did not lie, the trails are in fact intractable. You will wander aimlessly in the woods anyway until you die from a throbbing case of boredom.

The rally point is the parking lot. Punctuality is your only hope.

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About Mostie

Who is Mostie? (Pronounced Mah-stee) Mostie Mitchell is a quasi-professional entrepreneur. He chose this track in life because of the following conversation and limitless other conversations like it: Random Lady: Hi… so what’s your name? Mostie: Mostie. Random Lady: Mostie? What an unusual name, what does it mean? Mostie: It's an acronym for Mayor of Skin Town with an "ie" at the end because I'm Australian. We add "ie" or "o" to the end of everything. Random Lady: Mayor of what now? Mostie: Skin town. I’m sorry, that probably sounds worse than it is, allow me to explain, I refuse to wear condoms. Random Lady: I see… so … um, who exactly are you here for, the bride or groom? Mostie: Well I’m hoping to spend some time with the bride later, so I guess I’m here for her. Random Lady: Were you invited? Mostie: To What? Random Lady: To this wedding! Who are you? Mostie: I’m an entrepreneur. Random Lady: Oh! Well why didn’t you say so! Welcome to my daughter’s wedding! Did you know that I can play the entire score of “Music Man” with my arm waddle? Watch… Mostie’s life as an entrepreneur has led him to such exciting and exotic locales as Los Angeles and Tijuana. His worldwide travels and cultural experience led him to an impressive career in interior design. “Modern Homes Today” called his design work in Old Mrs. Rabinowiecz’ home “A surprising combination of orange and carpet” and went on to say, “We’ve never seen plaid in a nursery before, and we don’t think we’ll see it again.” What is Sports Advice Mostie likes sports, but that's not why we hired him. We hired him because he knows how to play most musical instruments and we needed the help. Unfortunately he wouldn't help us unless we gave him a sports column. Also (for whatever reason) he's good at making friends and none of us had the heart to tell him to screw off. So he is going to give you advice on life in redgards to sports. He is completely unqualified but we think that makes this section all the more amusing. To get some advice from Mostie, drop him an email at mostie@newgoldtooth.com.