Dear Readers:
The boss told me a while back that he wanted a press release to announce our arrival to the interwebs. So I wrote one and sent it to the very helpful and kind people at Marketwire. While the release never made it to the wires (for the reasons you will see below) I thought it would be a worthy addition to the site, so I have shared it, along with some of my correspondence with Marketwire, below. Enjoy!
The Letter and Press Release
Dear Molly,
As discussed earlier, please see the attached press release for our funny website. We appreciate any comments or ideas that you may have on this as we have never written a press release before.
Kind Regards,
Brian Henley
New Gold Tooth Corp
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Newgoldtooth.com to Write Most Interesting Press Release in History
Press Release to Announce Press Release either Gleefully Post-Modern or Damningly Gratuitous
Pasadena, CA – June 22, 2009– New Gold Tooth Corp announced today that the company would soon be writing the most interesting press release in history in order to announce the launch of its comedic website www.newgoldtooth.com. The company made the announcement quietly to themselves during a private conference held in a sound-proofed basement with the lights out. Nevertheless the news has sparked controversy amongst nobody at all, nor does the outpouring of public sentiment show any sign of commencing.
Most outspoken regarding his ignorance of New Gold Tooth’s planned press release is Stickney de Bourgas, who refused to comment and seemed confused by the questions being shouted at him in Esperanto through a megaphone from a passing minivan. Bourgas was quoted as saying absolutely nothing, and was last seen receding in a rearview mirror as he stared resolutely at what appeared to be a cell phone or ipod.
In response, New Gold Tooth has issued the preceding statement.
About New Gold Tooth Corp
New Gold Tooth Corp is an entity consisting of the writers and producers of the website www.newgoldtooth.com. The comedy based website includes cartoons, videos, articles and (should our budget allow) awkward and hopefully uncomfortable geriatric pornography. This press release will not self-destruct in five seconds, nor will its reading be followed by a creepy phone caller saying, “Seven days!” in an ominous tone.
Contact
Brian Henley, New Gold Tooth Corp, email. henley_b@newgoldtooth.com.
The Response:
Hi Brian
Unfortunately, we do not recommend that you publish this press release. There are several issues with it that need to be addressed and corrected, the best example being that your headline is impossible to prove. I appreciate the need to make your release as funny as possible but without some significant changes I fear that it will not get the pickup you may be expecting.
Please call me at your earliest convenience so that we may discuss the possibility of an alterative release or at the very least to go over a few recommended changes.
Best,
Molly XXXXX
Marketwire
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We're a team of comedians with different specialties. Mostie does sports, Brian does pranks, the Zombie Gorillas animate stuff and Richard and Poon throw poop at each other. We're pretty sure that might be all you need to know about us. But if you really want to know more about us, please feel free to write a letter personally.
Just place a self addresses stamped envelope in the mail with the following message:
"I just paid the current rate of postage to mail myself a letter. This has taught me two things, one, I might be a moron and two, any website that would ask me to do this is supremely jerky."
If you want to know anything else, send a second letter. You'll get the idea soon enough.