Top Ten: Hoaxes Richard Heene Considered Before going with the Balloon Idea

by kor.toni.

by kor.toni.

10: “My boy has been carried away by flying monkeys!”

9: “My boy was a puppet brought to life, then almost turned into a donkey, and is now in the belly of a whale!”

8: “Maybe if I hid the kid in the attic with a microphone and threw a speaker down a well…”

7: “I have a rare disease for which the only cure is national attention.”

6: “I could just go around the country yelling ‘Fire!’ in crowded theatres. But how would that exploit my children?”

5:“I’m the real Jaycee Dugard!”

4: “Maybe if I told everybody Mayumi was having eight kids at once…”

3: “My boy has been turned into a giant blueberry by a maniacal candy manufacturer!”

2: “Perhaps I could work towards accomplishing something that’s actually worthy of media coverage! Oh no wait, I forgot, I’m a goddamn joke of a man.”

1: “The KKK took my baby away.”

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About Brian

Brian is a retired drill-press operator who lives voluntarily off the grid in a cabin in Montana. He has apparently been sending fake letters to businesses and prominent citizens for decades, as a hobby. We became aware of him when he sent us an envelope filled with white powder and some uncooked alphabet soup letters that spelled ‘ANTHRAX”. We spent over $100,000 sanitizing our offices and testing the staff before labs identified the substance as baking soda. We thought it was hilarious and asked him if we could publish his outgoing mail.