The NBA Draft Lottery is Stupid. How Can I Stop It?

The NBA Draft Lottery is stupid. How could the Kings pick fourth when they had the worst record in the NBA? This screws the teams that need the most help almost every year. How can we end this?

Gary Pierce

Sacramento, CA

Dear Gary,

As it happens, only you can stop the NBA draft Lottery from ever happening again. Allow me to explain, this entire lottery system has been created to screw you, Gary Pierce of Sacramento, California.

Don’t believe me? Well then tell me, do you recognize the man pictured to the right? You should, his name is Morton Stern and you sold him a pair of forged Chuck Taylors when he visited your shoe shop in Old Town. Since then his father, one David Stern (Commissioner of the NBA), has been toying with your emotions. Still don’t believe me? Well then, don’t you find it interesting that the only year the Kings have ever won the lottery they were forced to choose between guys named Pervis Ellison or Danny F(bleep)ing Ferry? Or that since that day, the Kings have been in the draft lottery eleven times and have won a top three pick only once?

Well you had better believe it because now, the Kings are clearly the worst team in the NBA, a team changing post presence (Blake Griffin) is available and you, Gary Pierce, are expectant and excited. So what does the good ol’ league do? Why, in the ultimate feast of Pervis Ellison irony, they give the pick to the only team that has drafted a worse player with the #1 overall pick (Michael Olowokandi) than your beloved Kings, the Los Angeles Clippers.

So you ask how to make it stop? Go to Morton Stern and give him a pair of brand new, genuine Chuck Taylors and apologize for ripping him off.

Morton Stern

Morton Stern

Hold on, my editor just read this and (this is embarrassing) apparently the man pictured above is of absolutely no relation to David Stern… In fact that is a picture of a random guy… So actually, I have no idea why there is a lottery system. My apologies I can’t help you, but you really ought to consider selling some legitimate shoes.

I sincerely hope this helps,


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