The Biggest Douchebag in America! A Contest

Every once in a while we like to take a break from advising people on sports and do something that is fun, yet sports related. So in the hallowed spirit of competition we bring you:

The Biggest Douchebag in America! A Contest

We have hand selected (qualifications included) the eight men that we feel are the biggest douchebags in America right now and they have been paired up for a head to head contest where you get to vote for the person who you feel is the bigger douche. Next week we will announce the winners (based on your votes of course), and write a little description of how we think each douchebattle would have gone. Then the winning douchebags will be re-paired for a semi-final and we will repeat. When only one douchebag remains he will have the historic honor of being named “The Biggest Douchebag in America! 2009

So without further ado:

Douche Battle-1

John Mayer P. Diddy
John Mayer uses his guitar pick as a flavor saver Poll Closed
P. Diddy Advances (Wins 887-299)
P. Diddy shows off his jewelry while punching... something
Mr. Mayer’s Qualifications- Seems like he has publicly dated and dumped every female in Hollywood.

- Goes out of his way to act like he’s laid back and doesn’t care what people think. Then uses Twitter to explain in detail why he is not a douche.

- After declaring himself a “showbiz type”, actually wrote this: “So you see, though filled with deep emotional voids that can never be filled, Showbiz Types are an important part of our Nation’s tapestry.”

Mr Combs’ Qualifications- Has at least six names that he goes by (or has gone by). You can’t give a nickname to yourself, douchebag!

- Created (along with Ashton Kutcher) “The New Rat pack” and proclaimed himself the “Frank Sinatra.” You can’t give a title to yourself, douchebag! Especially that one.

- Complained that gas prices were too high for his private jet and was appalled that he had to start flying commercial.

Douche Battle-2

Spencer Pratt Donald Trump
Spencer gives a classic pursed lips (probably whistling, but we'll take it) shirtless sunglassed pose Poll Closed
Spencer Pratt Advances (Wins 786-289)
Fake tan, pursed lips and that luxurious hair
Mr. Pratt’s Qualifications- Tried to leave the reality show I’m a Celebrity Get Me Outta Here because he’s too rich and famous and the other celebrities on the show were “lowering his status.” When NBC allowed him and his wife (Heidi Montag) to leave, he begged to get back onto the show.

- Without his wife we’d have never heard of him and he wouldn’t make this list, yet no one is a bigger dick to their wife.

- Said this: “The bottom line is I’m making people react and ultimately not think about that we are in a war in Iraq and are trying to pick leaders.”

Mr Trump’s Qualifications- Fake tan, pursed lips and that luxurious hair

- Gave Anne Hathaway dating advice regarding her thieving boyfriend but can’t stop getting divorced

- Because he said this: “All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”

Douche Battle-3

Dane Cook Alex Rodriguez
Whether he likes it or not, hand gestures like this can get you put on some other douche's list of celebrity douches... that's a lot of douch-talk Poll Closed
Dane Cook Advances (Wins 697-347)
ARod and his then wife pose for a classic
Mr. Cook’s Qualifications- Gets laughs by ranting about the awfulness of dogs crapping on his yard… Has a dog that craps on his neighbor’s yard.

- Has been known to “borrow” bits from fellow comedians… and then make lots of money with said bits.

- Famous for a hand gesture called the super finger (pictured above)

Mr Rodriguez’ Qualifications- Left his hot wife for… Madonna?

- Said in an interview that he had never cheated at baseball by taking steroids. Then he got caught and admitted that he had taken steroids.

- Born in the USA, lived in the USA for most of his life and made all of his money in the USA. Yet he plays for the Dominican Republic in the World Baseball Classic (World Cup of Baseball).

Douche Battle-4

Kanye West Jared Leto
Don't hate the player, hate... Poll Closed
Kanye West Advances (Wins 897-122)
Isn't he cool? Just look how cool he is! God that guy's cool... right?
Mr. West’s Qualifications- Proclaimed himself the voice of this generation, then lip synced on Saturday Night Live.

- Proud and outspoken “non-reader” currently writing an autobiography.

- Created ugly shoes and then said this: “When the red shoes hit the runway…I was forced to change my name to Martin Louis the King Jr… Address me as such.”

Mr Leto’s Qualifications

- Started a rock band and his fans wouldn’t catch him when he attempted to stage dive.

- Has been known to smash or threaten to smash people in the face with bats and microphones.

- Puts on the tough guy image to get chicks, weighs about as much as my daughter.

Thanks for participating and having some fun with us here.The winners will be announced with douchebattle description on Monday, June 14, 2009.

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About New Gold Tooth

We're a team of comedians with different specialties. Mostie does sports, Brian does pranks, the Zombie Gorillas animate stuff and Richard and Poon throw poop at each other. We're pretty sure that might be all you need to know about us. But if you really want to know more about us, please feel free to write a letter personally. Just place a self addresses stamped envelope in the mail with the following message: "I just paid the current rate of postage to mail myself a letter. This has taught me two things, one, I might be a moron and two, any website that would ask me to do this is supremely jerky." If you want to know anything else, send a second letter. You'll get the idea soon enough.