Steroids Gave My Childhood Investment a Murphy

by kreg.steppe

Lone Syringe by kreg.steppe

As the ever-increasing list of steroid users in Major League Baseball is leaked I, and thousands of 30-something year-old men like me, am reminded of the overweight, mustachioed, baseball card shop owner. A man who convinced us, in earnest, to invest in Mark McGwire rookie cards when we were scarcely ten years old. We flocked to the card shop and spent our hard-earned, lawn mowing and toilet cleaning money by the truck load and we were glad to do so. We had dreams you see, dreams of owning a piece of history, dreams of giving our collection of rare and valuable cards to our sons, and using that as a bonding experience. At least most of us did, David Ruiz used to bend them around the spoke of his bicycle tire and enjoy the flapping noise it made when he rode his bike.

But most of us were excited by the high powered young players of the era.

“These guys are changing the game,” we would say.
“The combination of speed and power these players hold is unheard of,” we said.
“Five tools! Five Tools!” we screamed!

From the age of 10 to the age of 24 I spent over $1000.00 collecting future “legends” like Roger Clemens, Manny Ramirez and Sammy Sosa. I had a collection that during the height of the home run era was worth well over $10,000.00. I was flying high! I had a speech prepared for my future son about the skill and patience needed to build a classic collection, I wore a monopoly man costume for Halloween, I thought I was a genius, the king of bubble gum stained cardboard. I laughed at David Ruiz, “How could you waste a $45.00 Juan Gonzales card on your bike? It’s sad how you loved that ridiculous noise!”

Barry Bonds - Giants vs As by Steve Rhodes

Barry Bonds – Giants vs A’s by Steve Rhodes

If only I knew that this unheard of greatness was because those bastards were cheating. One by one, my precious cards faltered. With each new investigation came new names. The witch-hunt was on and I was losing. But still, all was not lost, sure, Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens were toast but I had Alex Rodriguez! He was pure, he was clean! He shall save baseball and my card collection in simultaneous triumph! Until we found out that he wouldn’t, because he wasn’t.

Now it’s just a matter of time before those collections are barely worth the paper on which they are printed. If Ken Griffey Jr.’s name is ever leaked then I will have more value in my sons diaper then in the baseball card collection I had planned to give him. I am disappointed, frustrated and even irate; not so much at steroids or at my government for starting this witch-hunt, but at Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Alex Rodriguez and the like. These were good ballplayers. Maybe they wouldn’t have been the best ever without steroids but they probably would have been hall of famers and legends anyway. If not them then someone else in my collection would have been. But they were larger than life, perhaps even bigger than the game and so their magnified decisions made the entire era suspect and the cards that I, and so many others, collected suffered the consequences.

Baseball Cards by by Joe Shlabotnik

Baseball Cards by by Joe Shlabotnik

So I have made a decision, I have decided that when my son is old enough I’ll give ol’ David Ruiz a call and tell him what a genius he was. Then I’ll fold my $2.00 Juan Gonzales rookie card over my son’s bicycle wheel spoke and let him listen to the beautiful rhythmic melody of its flapping noise, and then I’ll have peace.

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Who is Mostie? (Pronounced Mah-stee) Mostie Mitchell is a quasi-professional entrepreneur. He chose this track in life because of the following conversation and limitless other conversations like it: Random Lady: Hi… so what’s your name? Mostie: Mostie. Random Lady: Mostie? What an unusual name, what does it mean? Mostie: It's an acronym for Mayor of Skin Town with an "ie" at the end because I'm Australian. We add "ie" or "o" to the end of everything. Random Lady: Mayor of what now? Mostie: Skin town. I’m sorry, that probably sounds worse than it is, allow me to explain, I refuse to wear condoms. Random Lady: I see… so … um, who exactly are you here for, the bride or groom? Mostie: Well I’m hoping to spend some time with the bride later, so I guess I’m here for her. Random Lady: Were you invited? Mostie: To What? Random Lady: To this wedding! Who are you? Mostie: I’m an entrepreneur. Random Lady: Oh! Well why didn’t you say so! Welcome to my daughter’s wedding! Did you know that I can play the entire score of “Music Man” with my arm waddle? Watch… Mostie’s life as an entrepreneur has led him to such exciting and exotic locales as Los Angeles and Tijuana. His worldwide travels and cultural experience led him to an impressive career in interior design. “Modern Homes Today” called his design work in Old Mrs. Rabinowiecz’ home “A surprising combination of orange and carpet” and went on to say, “We’ve never seen plaid in a nursery before, and we don’t think we’ll see it again.” What is Sports Advice Mostie likes sports, but that's not why we hired him. We hired him because he knows how to play most musical instruments and we needed the help. Unfortunately he wouldn't help us unless we gave him a sports column. Also (for whatever reason) he's good at making friends and none of us had the heart to tell him to screw off. So he is going to give you advice on life in redgards to sports. He is completely unqualified but we think that makes this section all the more amusing. To get some advice from Mostie, drop him an email at