October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. In honor of this the National Football League recently smattered pink on their ballplayers and cheerleaders to help bring awareness. This was a very effective action which brought plenty of attention
to a noble cause and it got me thinking; what can I do? It also got me thinking about breasts. The combination gave me a great excuse to crack some jokes about hooters while scouring the Internet for shareable pictures of boobs.
So with that, I bring you:
The Six Groups Who Would Suffer the Most Without Breasts
Despite what Hollywood and horny men everywhere will tell you, the purpose of breasts is actually to feed milk to babies. Whether or not this activity is the very thing that causes mankind’s obsession with them is a question for an expert far more qualified than I, but after having two children of my own I can tell you with confidence that babies love their milk jugs and taking them away leads to screaming. Come to think of it, taking boobs away from anyone leads to screaming.
Nothing enthralls or distracts a young man or boy like a supple pair of breasts. They play video games for them, steal dad’s Playboy to see them and stare blankly at them whenever they plod idly by. Some of the most clever poetry scarcely heard was written by boys about boobs. So really, supporting breasts is the same as supporting creativity… and bra companies (who should probably be on this list, but that’s too obvious).
How are the cougars of the planet supposed to seduce unwitting twenty somethings without a mass of cleaved mammaries? I would dare say that the job would be impossible. This new crop of important citizens have a difficult and unforgiving enough job as it is, failure means humiliation, success… also leads to humiliation… anyways, cougars need breasts.
The Porn Industry
Ring the doorbell, give the pizza, ask if her husband is home, show your wiener, play with boobies, fellatio, cunnilingus, missionary, doggie, she goes, you go, scene! This scene and hundreds of thousands like it would simply be impossible without breasts. For this reason and many others, the porn industry would suffer greatly without breasts. That being said; feet, armpit, elbow and knuckle hair fetishes would keep this industry going strong, even without the almighty hooter.
The Aquabats said it best, “Big ones, little ones, fat ones, skinny ones…” of course they were talking about snakes and they were speaking negatively; but if you apply the phrase to jumblies and make it positive, then you’ll know what kind of breasts men appreciate. We go to the gym to watch them bounce, we crash cars to see them for just a moment longer, we donate to the Komen Foundation and write breast related blogs, just so we can talk about them. If breasts fell off of the face of the earth, many men would lose their inspiration and die of indifference.
Women love breasts, they don’t seem to sometimes, but they do. They are a wonderful tool to get just what they want. They wear sexy tops, jut out their chests and smile as they place them on display, all of this resulting in complete control over 88% of all men. They stare at cleavage just like men, the difference is, they aren’t as obvious when they look and they can always use the phrase, “I love your top” if they get caught. This phrase, by the way, not only makes a boob check completely acceptable, it starts a conversation about clothing which gives both women a chance to check out each other’s breasts. Or at least that’s the way it goes in my head.