The Six Groups Who Would Suffer the Most Without Breasts

October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. In honor of this the National Football League recently smattered pink on their ballplayers and cheerleaders to help bring awareness. This was a very effective action which brought plenty of attention

to a noble cause and it got me thinking; what can I do? It also got me thinking about breasts. The combination gave me a great excuse to crack some jokes about hooters while scouring the Internet for shareable pictures of boobs.

Texan Cheerleaders Support Breast Cancer Research

Texan Cheerleaders Support Breast Cancer Research

So with that, I bring you:

The Six Groups Who Would Suffer the Most Without Breasts

Best Babysitter Ever

Image Credit: Funnyphotos.net.au

Babies

Despite what Hollywood and horny men everywhere will tell you, the purpose of breasts is actually to feed milk to babies. Whether or not this activity is the very thing that causes mankind’s obsession with them is a question for an expert far more qualified than I, but after having two children of my own I can tell you with confidence that babies love their milk jugs and taking them away leads to screaming. Come to think of it, taking boobs away from anyone leads to screaming.

Boys

Nothing enthralls or distracts a young man or boy like a supple pair of breasts. They play video games for them, steal dad’s Playboy to see them and stare blankly at them whenever they plod idly by. Some of the most clever poetry scarcely heard was written by boys about boobs. So really, supporting breasts is the same as supporting creativity… and bra companies (who should probably be on this list, but that’s too obvious).

Cougars

How are the cougars of the planet supposed to seduce unwitting twenty somethings without a mass of cleaved mammaries? I would dare say that the job would be impossible. This new crop of important citizens have a difficult and unforgiving enough job as it is, failure means humiliation, success… also leads to humiliation… anyways, cougars need breasts.

by virtualvoid

by virtualvoid

The Porn Industry

Ring the doorbell, give the pizza, ask if her husband is home, show your wiener, play with boobies, fellatio, cunnilingus, missionary, doggie, she goes, you go, scene! This scene and hundreds of thousands like it would simply be impossible without breasts. For this reason and many others, the porn industry would suffer greatly without breasts. That being said; feet, armpit, elbow and knuckle hair fetishes would keep this industry going strong, even without the almighty hooter.

From gfxwallpapers.com

From gfxwallpapers.com

Men

The Aquabats said it best, “Big ones, little ones, fat ones, skinny ones…” of course they were talking about snakes and they were speaking negatively; but if you apply the phrase to jumblies and make it positive, then you’ll know what kind of breasts men appreciate. We go to the gym to watch them bounce, we crash cars to see them for just a moment longer, we donate to the Komen Foundation and write breast related blogs, just so we can talk about them. If breasts fell off of the face of the earth, many men would lose their inspiration and die of indifference.

 By rlh53

By rlh53

Women

Women love breasts, they don’t seem to sometimes, but they do. They are a wonderful tool to get just what they want. They wear sexy tops, jut out their chests and smile as they place them on display, all of this resulting in complete control over 88% of all men. They stare at cleavage just like men, the difference is, they aren’t as obvious when they look and they can always use the phrase, “I love your top” if they get caught. This phrase, by the way, not only makes a boob check completely acceptable, it starts a conversation about clothing which gives both women a chance to check out each other’s breasts. Or at least that’s the way it goes in my head.

By mandijo504

By mandijo504

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]

Related posts:

About Mostie

Who is Mostie? (Pronounced Mah-stee) Mostie Mitchell is a quasi-professional entrepreneur. He chose this track in life because of the following conversation and limitless other conversations like it: Random Lady: Hi… so what’s your name? Mostie: Mostie. Random Lady: Mostie? What an unusual name, what does it mean? Mostie: It's an acronym for Mayor of Skin Town with an "ie" at the end because I'm Australian. We add "ie" or "o" to the end of everything. Random Lady: Mayor of what now? Mostie: Skin town. I’m sorry, that probably sounds worse than it is, allow me to explain, I refuse to wear condoms. Random Lady: I see… so … um, who exactly are you here for, the bride or groom? Mostie: Well I’m hoping to spend some time with the bride later, so I guess I’m here for her. Random Lady: Were you invited? Mostie: To What? Random Lady: To this wedding! Who are you? Mostie: I’m an entrepreneur. Random Lady: Oh! Well why didn’t you say so! Welcome to my daughter’s wedding! Did you know that I can play the entire score of “Music Man” with my arm waddle? Watch… Mostie’s life as an entrepreneur has led him to such exciting and exotic locales as Los Angeles and Tijuana. His worldwide travels and cultural experience led him to an impressive career in interior design. “Modern Homes Today” called his design work in Old Mrs. Rabinowiecz’ home “A surprising combination of orange and carpet” and went on to say, “We’ve never seen plaid in a nursery before, and we don’t think we’ll see it again.” What is Sports Advice Mostie likes sports, but that's not why we hired him. We hired him because he knows how to play most musical instruments and we needed the help. Unfortunately he wouldn't help us unless we gave him a sports column. Also (for whatever reason) he's good at making friends and none of us had the heart to tell him to screw off. So he is going to give you advice on life in redgards to sports. He is completely unqualified but we think that makes this section all the more amusing. To get some advice from Mostie, drop him an email at mostie@newgoldtooth.com.