I, Mostopholis L. Mitchell, have been using performance enhancing drugs. It started when I joined Facebook a couple of weeks ago. At first I could keep up with it, I would feel the familiar vibration of a Facebook update on my phone and immediately hit the site to respond. But over time the pressure of keeping up with it started to weigh on me. I don’t know if it was boob quiz challenge that finally sent me over the edge or if it was the sixth requests to come up with “25 things” but over the edge I fell and my parachute was crystal meth.
It changed everything, not only did I score a 60% on the boob quiz, but I came up with just under 396 and-half things about myself! Then I gave away 273 virtual fish and knighted a passing goat. I was halfway through an internal calculation of how much rainforest I had saved when I realized that I was literally knighting a goat and that my computer was six states away. It was time to quit.
I want to apologize to all of my fans and to all of the kids who emulate me. I’m not proud of what I did. Two weeks ago I was young and naïve. I’m not anymore. Thank you.