I’m the Rangers Lucky Charm and I Can’t Stand it!

Dear Mostie,

I should open this up by telling you that my boyfriend Matt is a huge New York Rangers fan. Last year when the Rangers were in the playoffs, I was trying to be supportive, so I watched a playoff game and wore one of Matt’s team jerseys. Suffice it to say, the Rangers won that game and my cute, but superstitious boyfriend forced me to wear that same Rangers jersey and watch the next game, which they also won. I went out with the girls for the following game (much to Matt’s dismay) and the stupid Rangers lost! So of course I was forced to stay home and wear the same jersey while watching the next two games. By some curse or sad joke, the Rangers won both and I got all of the credit. Thankfully I was out of town for the following Rangers playoff series to visit my parents in Georgia. It was most unfortunate, however, that the Rangers lost that series, and Matt still blames me.

I don’t like sports and really don’t like hockey, but I do love Matt. The Rangers are in the playoffs and he has already forced me to do this for their first game and guess what? The Rangers won again! How can I stop this?

Best,

Melanie

New York, NY


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Dear Melanie,

Superstition is an important part of sports. Men have been blaming goats, cheering monkeys and wearing hats inside out for over a century because of it. I doubt very much that you will be able to change Matt’s mind by typical means such as discussion, flirtation or withholding of sex. The only way to get out of your conundrum is to break the lucky charm. There are two ways to do this; the first is to prove that it is not lucky.

The best way to do this is to spike the team’s Gatorade coolers with Viagra before the game. Then go home, put on your Rangers jersey and cheer happily for Matt’s team as they adjust their pants and stand hunched over and butt-out to make their throbbing erections less obvious. Nothing is as hard as playing hockey with a boner (pun intended)! They will lose, the charm will break and you can go back to frolicking with friends in tight jeans at New York City night clubs.

The second option is to make the lucky charm unbearable. You do this with a few simple tricks. First off, once the game starts ask questions. No question is a bad one, in fact bad questions are best. Your mouth should be an endless stream of interested yet retarded questions regarding the game. I suggest, “Why ice?”, “Do they have to use sticks?” and “Are helmets really necessary?” Secondly, pour a glass of wine and celebrate the next Ranger goal by “accidentally” spilling it all over the jersey you are wearing. Best case, you will be asked to take it off and clean it (charm broken), worst case he will grudgingly make you wear it anyway, but will be quietly upset. Finally, his friends will likely show up for one if not all of the games. Engage them in endless polite conversation, their socially required responses this will make them miss important parts of the game and cause much frustration. The result of all of this will be Matt’s decision that your presence is not worth the luck it provides and the charm will be broken. You will be free to sip cosmopolitans and eat French finger foods in no time.

I hope this helps!

Best,

Mostie

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