How Do I Get My Son to Switch to Football?

Dear Mostie,

My son is an avid soccer fan and player, but I love football. It was fine that he enjoyed soccer when he was younger but he’s going to high school next year and I want him to play a man’s game. What can I do?


Albert – Provo, UT


Dear Albert,

Have you tried planting a Playboy magazine? You see, football players get the first pick of girls in America and you need to use that. But how can he know how important girls are without seeing the breathtaking glory that is a properly-trimmed playmate in high heels and chaps?

So, first things first, purchase a Playboy magazine. Then, fill him up with soda and leave the magazine carelessly in the bathroom he most often uses. At this point he will either stay in the bathroom for an uncomfortable period of time to handle some personal issues, or jack off in his bedroom. When either happens wait for him to leave his room and find the Playboy.

Present the magazine to your son and have a serious discussion with him about the importance of treating women with respect. Then explain how a Dirty Sanchez works and what a joy it was to chase all that tail with your football friends in high school. Give a memory-filled sigh, and tell him that it’s a shame he wants to play soccer.

The rest of the conversation should take care of itself. Enjoy the football season!

I sincerely hope this helps,


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