This Week’s Email:
My husband is an L.A. Clippers fan. I know, it’s sad and no, this is not a joke. He has been one since he was eight years old and won’t give up on them.
When they win he is elated and life is great. But when they lose, he is a wreck; he gets angry and grumpy and at times is so depressed that nothing can pull him out of it. This wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t constantly losing. I mean how could they be this horrible, for this long?
He hates the Lakers and won’t switch to Football or anything else, I’m out of ideas and I don’t know what to do. Can you help me?
Dejected in Tarzana
I’m so very sorry, but we’re going to have to shoot your husband. Childhood teams stick tighter than snail bits to a microwave oven, nothing can be done. That is, unless you can change the Clippers, but the only way to change the Clippers is to remove their fumbling owner Donald Sterling. Putting your husband out of his misery is definitely easier, but just in case that isn’t an option, here are two easy to follow suggestions:
Option-1: You, or a hot friend (whoever is hotter, I find that these things are best decided by wrestling in chocolate, please send pics) could dress in a very revealing “Night Club” outfit, get his attention by flirting, dancing, or Belgian pole vault. Then, poison your cleavage, trick him into doing “The Motorboat” and whack him in the skull with a toaster. Or just let him die from breast poison, your choice… or your friend’s, whoever is hotter (don’t forget the pics!). After his wake and the citywide parade, his heirs will sell the multi-million dollar asset and the Clippers will be winning in no time.
Option-2: Tell three friends to give you $100.00 in exchange for one share out of ten million in your new foundation “Save the Clippers”. Then offer to give each of them $60 of those dollars back if they can find three more friends to invest $100.00 in the foundation. Move this along in a sort of three by three “pyramid” until all 10 million of your shares are sold. You should now have 800 million dollars. Purchase the Clippers from Donald for $500 million and split the ownership of the team 10 million ways with your now gigantic pyramid of friends. Use the remaining money on a savvy Jewish accountant, taxes and team improvement. Watch the Clippers win and enjoy the happy and loving threesomes with your contented husband and aforementioned hot friend (don’t forget the pics.)
I sincerely hope that this helps.