Football is gone and won’t return until the beginning of September. To the sports fan, this is the week after your fish died, the day after being dumped by your high school sweetheart and the instant you put on a dance belt. It is the feeling that leaves you empty inside, the feeling that leaves you lost and alone, it is the feeling that leaves you with just one thought, “What now?”
So for you, fellow sports fan, I offer this list:
1. Have Sex – Let’s face it, you’ve been ignoring your significant other for almost half a year. So shave your genitals, put on that old Batman costume and role play!
2. Children/Dating – If you have children, go out and teach them important life lessons. Open up a lemonade stand and show them the value of a dollar, or teach them culture by using “Made in Mexico” M-80’s to blow up Bill Joyner’s mail box.
If you don’t have children, dig out the spandex gymnastics suit with the racing stripe and take your lady to the club. Don’t worry, while it’s true that dancing burns precious calories, beer will replenish whatever is lost.
3. Watch Other Sports – I know that it feels like football is everything and those feelings are completely valid, but remember; Natalie Gulbis and Jelena Jankovic make golf and tennis completely acceptable…no, epically important, sports.
4. Watch the NBA – Whenever the Lakers are good, most of America becomes unified against a common enemy and if the Nazis have taught us nothing else, a common enemy is good for the American economy!
5. Watch March Madness – “The Marijuana of Gambling”