First Ever

I read an article the other day about a Kenyan man hoping to be the first black man to win the Tour de France. It was an interesting article and a concept that got me thinking. What can I, a middle aged white American male, do first? Initially I thought; I’m hosed! My stupid race, sex and age group have been hogging the spotlight from everyone else for years! No wonder people keep throwing shoes at me!

Then I realized that I was being a shmoo and that I just needed to be more creative. So I made the decision to be the first man to yell “Cannonballs!” every time that a cheerleader was shown during an NFL game. After doing this once, I was informed by one of the experts that this had in fact already been done by Gmail user; mervkeepspervin32, via text to stopstaringatthegoodsmerv13, a particularly bendy cheerleader from The Texas A&M University.

So I’ve changed my goal. I plan to contractually obligate myself to pay me $1 million for “services rendered”. Once I am unable to pay, I shall hire a lawyer and get the money that’s rightfully mine! Then I will be the first person to ever sue himself for breach of contract.

I always knew I was meant for great things!

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About New Gold Tooth

We're a team of comedians with different specialties. Mostie does sports, Brian does pranks, the Zombie Gorillas animate stuff and Richard and Poon throw poop at each other. We're pretty sure that might be all you need to know about us. But if you really want to know more about us, please feel free to write a letter personally. Just place a self addresses stamped envelope in the mail with the following message: "I just paid the current rate of postage to mail myself a letter. This has taught me two things, one, I might be a moron and two, any website that would ask me to do this is supremely jerky." If you want to know anything else, send a second letter. You'll get the idea soon enough.