College Football, It’s Not Just For Girls

Apparently every year there is a football contest between local Universities UCLA and USC. A game that Alzwell, one of the experts I keep in case of emergency, demanded that we watch due to its importance. So we turn on the game and I notice that USC has this number five next to their name, so I say to Alzwell, “Why does USC have a number 5 next their name while UCLA has no number at all?”

“Because USC is the fifth best team in the nation and UCLA sucks!” He decries.

“Oh,” I say believing him completely due to his expert status. “So, if that’s the case… why do they even bother playing?”

He then ignored me, speaking only when I blocked his view of the TV or chewed too loudly on a potato chip. Thankfully, after about an hour of watching students in shiny helmets stand up, only to fall down into another people pile an inch farther to the right of my TV screen, I was given my answer. USC needs to win this game in order to be placed inside a bowl. While this sounds cruel and strange, Alzwell swears that this is an important honor. So I asked, “What happens if they get put in a bowl?”

“They get to beat the piss out of Penn State and maybe be ranked as high as number 2!” He cheers.

“Wait, they play in the bowl? How big is the bowl?” I ask.

“It’s a stadium dip-hound, The Rose Bowl!”

“Oh, so then why can’t they be number one… you know, provided they make the students of Penn State… um, pee?” I say.

“Because they lost to Oregon State… who sucks!” He screams.

“So only undefeated teams can get #1 next to their name?”


“Oh, then you have to lose to a team that doesn’t suck then?” I say.

“Sometimes I swear you’d be smarter if you were the butt end of a hammer.” He stated, before breaking into a grumble-fit about “playoffs”, “tradition,” and “stupid old people.”

When I politely asked him why he watched something that upset him so, he bounced the TV remote off of my head and told me to stop rumple-humping his Saturdays.

I don’t think I like college football.

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