Believe the Gun Toting Athlete

dwesttbjpg-26e5540a0b5007baApparently Cleveland Cavalier guard, Delonte West, skipped practice recently. No one really knows why, but the popular theory is that after carrying loaded and concealed weapons in his car (including a shotgun in a guitar case, rock!) he was not in a good place mentally to join the team in preparation for the upcoming season.

Now, I could ask why he felt it was necessary to carry a bunch of loaded weapons in his car but that question has been presented ad nauseum and the answer is always the same: “because I’m a target”. So instead of ignoring this answer and trying to dig down into the deep-seated psychological issues that face West, and other notable gun toting athletes, I’m going to assume that this answer is the absolute truth.

We live in a barbaric society where average everyday Americans want nothing more than to cleave the hard grown brains of famous athletes from their carefully chiseled skulls! It’s a war zone out there, America! We mustn’t stop athletes from carrying guns, No! We need to give them more guns! In fact there should be a provision added to the Constitution that allows… nay, requires all athletes to carry rocket propelled missiles on jet packs. Without such a provision, I fear that professional athletics may cease to exist in this country.

Chidori Kaname (千鳥かなめ) by Yume Photo

Chidori Kaname (千鳥かなめ) by Yume Photo

Don’t believe me? Well then ask yourself this, what is the first thing you think about in the morning? What’s for breakfast? How in god’s name is it already 7:00am? No, you want people to think that you think that, but Delonte West and I know the truth. You wake up and you immediately think the same thing that everyone else does: I must viciously murder a person today who is my athletic superior! Don’t deny it.

So let’s change our tone today America, let us not punish these athletes for carrying lethal and concealed weaponry, let’s applaud them instead. For they live in a world where whizzing bullets and explosive detonations are a way of life and the only way to stop this is to let our country’s brightest athletes blast the shoulders off of ordinary citizens.

file01920 by by dklimke

file01920 by by dklimke

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Who is Mostie? (Pronounced Mah-stee) Mostie Mitchell is a quasi-professional entrepreneur. He chose this track in life because of the following conversation and limitless other conversations like it: Random Lady: Hi… so what’s your name? Mostie: Mostie. Random Lady: Mostie? What an unusual name, what does it mean? Mostie: It's an acronym for Mayor of Skin Town with an "ie" at the end because I'm Australian. We add "ie" or "o" to the end of everything. Random Lady: Mayor of what now? Mostie: Skin town. I’m sorry, that probably sounds worse than it is, allow me to explain, I refuse to wear condoms. Random Lady: I see… so … um, who exactly are you here for, the bride or groom? Mostie: Well I’m hoping to spend some time with the bride later, so I guess I’m here for her. Random Lady: Were you invited? Mostie: To What? Random Lady: To this wedding! Who are you? Mostie: I’m an entrepreneur. Random Lady: Oh! Well why didn’t you say so! Welcome to my daughter’s wedding! Did you know that I can play the entire score of “Music Man” with my arm waddle? Watch… Mostie’s life as an entrepreneur has led him to such exciting and exotic locales as Los Angeles and Tijuana. His worldwide travels and cultural experience led him to an impressive career in interior design. “Modern Homes Today” called his design work in Old Mrs. Rabinowiecz’ home “A surprising combination of orange and carpet” and went on to say, “We’ve never seen plaid in a nursery before, and we don’t think we’ll see it again.” What is Sports Advice Mostie likes sports, but that's not why we hired him. We hired him because he knows how to play most musical instruments and we needed the help. Unfortunately he wouldn't help us unless we gave him a sports column. Also (for whatever reason) he's good at making friends and none of us had the heart to tell him to screw off. So he is going to give you advice on life in redgards to sports. He is completely unqualified but we think that makes this section all the more amusing. To get some advice from Mostie, drop him an email at mostie@newgoldtooth.com.