All My Family Watches Anymore is Golf and I Want it to Stop!

Dear Mostie,

I hate golf, but my family loves it. They leave it on the TV all weekend long. How can I convince them that Golf is boring?

Thanks,

Maria

Murphy, TX


Dear Maria,

The rise in popularity of Golf can be directly correlated to the emergence of one Eldrick Tont Woods. Normally I would suggest that you replace ol’ Tonty’s (a popular nickname for the man) Folgers Crystals with clean, emissions free plutonium. But as such an act would likely cause some unsightly swelling and death, I won’t. My love for Eldie (Another popular nickname) runs too deep for that.

A Picture of Tonty

A Picture of ‘Ol Tonty

So instead I will simply suggest that you take your family golfing. That’s right, make them play. Every time they put Golf on the TV, load them into the car and pay for a family game of golf. At first they will think that you are the coolest Mom in history and they will even enjoy the experience. Over time however, they will realize how hard golfing actually is. They will see that they are not as talented as The Mighty Wood Hammer (his third and final, well accepted nickname) and will probably hurl their clubs into far reaching trees while shouting thoughtless obscenities at unthinking foliage. The end result will be a family too pissed off with the only sport named after a four letter word to continue watching it on TV.

You see, boredom is not an active emotion, so convincing someone that something is boring is usually ineffective, go for hatred instead, it’s far more effective. The best way to make someone hate golf is to make them to play it.

I sincerely hope this helps,

Mostie

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