5 Things That People in LA Brag About That Aren’t As Good As They Say

I’m so upset that we lost to the Lakers. I hate the Lakers!

Jimmy
Boulder, CO


Dear Jimmy,

Being that this is an advice column, I’m not sure what you’re looking for with that statement, but I appreciate the sentiment. I’m from LA so I’ll share something with you to help you through the loss.

Things That People in LA Brag About But Aren’t as Good as We Say

1. The Weather

What we say: The temperature’s perfect, the sun is always shining.

Image courtesy of http://ra-ajax.org

The truth of the matter: The people of Los Angeles enjoy a pleasant winter, it usually drops no lower than 50˚ and the sun shines brightly for most of the season. The flip side of this is that the summer is hotter than dachshunds in a grease fire, so usually the locals stay in the safety of their air conditioned homes or get wasted and cannonball the neighbor’s gorilla themed rubber pool. Then when winter finally returns we look to the sky and quietly wish for it to rain.

Image Courtesy of http://huynhwinsituation.wordpress.com

2. The Fashion

What we say: It’s the one place where you can dress like it is springtime all the time.

The truth of the matter: While Hollywood does bring this city an inordinate share of Betties, there is no such thing as a city populated entirely by babes. This point is made because so many young women do indeed dress like it is springtime all of the time which leads to the regular and unfortunate sighting of jumbos dressed like a stuffed sausage.

Images courtesy of http://sweat365.com/blog/ and http://www.dailymail.co.uk

3. The Open Space and Communities

What we say: There are so many wonderful communities around LA where you can find a nice home with some land and privacy to raise a family.

Image courtesy of, you guessed it, AltadenaForeclosures.com (Community in LA)

The truth of the matter: It’s true that there are unbelievable tree lined communities out here with large lots and great neighbors… But few people can afford such a place without getting one of the high paying jobs in the city. The result is a two hour drive to move 30 miles and a sky so brown you’d swear you were tunneling Mother Nature’s colon! We could fix this with public transportation, but we won’t allow that to happen, because if public transportation went by our homes it would ruin the privacy and take away the space.

Image courtesy of http://www.city-data.com

4. The Nightlife

What we say: There’s so much to do here! We have shows, fine dining, sports teams and clubs.

Image courtsey of http://www.jilliansofalbany.com

The truth of the matter: Scalpers, corporations and spoiled rich children who come from where you live have already booked reservations and bought tickets to every restaurant, sporting event and show in the city (save for the Clippers, but who wants to watch that mess), so locals end up watching these things on TV and eating fast food. The clubs are a blast, but unless you have healthy labia and stats that read 36-24-36 you’re going to have to wait in line while the bouncer hobnobs with Ralph Macchio. Locals have house parties.

Image courtesy of http://www.flixster.com/

5. The Women

What we say: LA is a place with tons of hot chicks. Live here and you can marry a chick like this:

Image courtesy of gimps.de

The truth of the matter: You sure can find a girl like that. But if you want to keep up with the Joneses then in time your hot chick will look like this:

Image courtesy of http://www.oddee.com

To the cities that have lost to the Lakers this playoffs I can only say this, Salt Lake and Denver, I have skied your slopes and that is as entertaining if not more so than anything you will do in Los Angeles. Houston, I have been in your clubs and women and they are just as nice as anything in LA, and you don’t have to wait for a bunch of other guys to get in before you do.

I sincerely hope this helps,

Mostie

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About Mostie

Who is Mostie? (Pronounced Mah-stee) Mostie Mitchell is a quasi-professional entrepreneur. He chose this track in life because of the following conversation and limitless other conversations like it: Random Lady: Hi… so what’s your name? Mostie: Mostie. Random Lady: Mostie? What an unusual name, what does it mean? Mostie: It's an acronym for Mayor of Skin Town with an "ie" at the end because I'm Australian. We add "ie" or "o" to the end of everything. Random Lady: Mayor of what now? Mostie: Skin town. I’m sorry, that probably sounds worse than it is, allow me to explain, I refuse to wear condoms. Random Lady: I see… so … um, who exactly are you here for, the bride or groom? Mostie: Well I’m hoping to spend some time with the bride later, so I guess I’m here for her. Random Lady: Were you invited? Mostie: To What? Random Lady: To this wedding! Who are you? Mostie: I’m an entrepreneur. Random Lady: Oh! Well why didn’t you say so! Welcome to my daughter’s wedding! Did you know that I can play the entire score of “Music Man” with my arm waddle? Watch… Mostie’s life as an entrepreneur has led him to such exciting and exotic locales as Los Angeles and Tijuana. His worldwide travels and cultural experience led him to an impressive career in interior design. “Modern Homes Today” called his design work in Old Mrs. Rabinowiecz’ home “A surprising combination of orange and carpet” and went on to say, “We’ve never seen plaid in a nursery before, and we don’t think we’ll see it again.” What is Sports Advice Mostie likes sports, but that's not why we hired him. We hired him because he knows how to play most musical instruments and we needed the help. Unfortunately he wouldn't help us unless we gave him a sports column. Also (for whatever reason) he's good at making friends and none of us had the heart to tell him to screw off. So he is going to give you advice on life in redgards to sports. He is completely unqualified but we think that makes this section all the more amusing. To get some advice from Mostie, drop him an email at mostie@newgoldtooth.com.