I’m so upset that we lost to the Lakers. I hate the Lakers!
Being that this is an advice column, I’m not sure what you’re looking for with that statement, but I appreciate the sentiment. I’m from LA so I’ll share something with you to help you through the loss.
Things That People in LA Brag About But Aren’t as Good as We Say
1. The Weather
What we say: The temperature’s perfect, the sun is always shining.
The truth of the matter: The people of Los Angeles enjoy a pleasant winter, it usually drops no lower than 50˚ and the sun shines brightly for most of the season. The flip side of this is that the summer is hotter than dachshunds in a grease fire, so usually the locals stay in the safety of their air conditioned homes or get wasted and cannonball the neighbor’s gorilla themed rubber pool. Then when winter finally returns we look to the sky and quietly wish for it to rain.
2. The Fashion
What we say: It’s the one place where you can dress like it is springtime all the time.
The truth of the matter: While Hollywood does bring this city an inordinate share of Betties, there is no such thing as a city populated entirely by babes. This point is made because so many young women do indeed dress like it is springtime all of the time which leads to the regular and unfortunate sighting of jumbos dressed like a stuffed sausage.
3. The Open Space and Communities
What we say: There are so many wonderful communities around LA where you can find a nice home with some land and privacy to raise a family.
The truth of the matter: It’s true that there are unbelievable tree lined communities out here with large lots and great neighbors… But few people can afford such a place without getting one of the high paying jobs in the city. The result is a two hour drive to move 30 miles and a sky so brown you’d swear you were tunneling Mother Nature’s colon! We could fix this with public transportation, but we won’t allow that to happen, because if public transportation went by our homes it would ruin the privacy and take away the space.
4. The Nightlife
What we say: There’s so much to do here! We have shows, fine dining, sports teams and clubs.
The truth of the matter: Scalpers, corporations and spoiled rich children who come from where you live have already booked reservations and bought tickets to every restaurant, sporting event and show in the city (save for the Clippers, but who wants to watch that mess), so locals end up watching these things on TV and eating fast food. The clubs are a blast, but unless you have healthy labia and stats that read 36-24-36 you’re going to have to wait in line while the bouncer hobnobs with Ralph Macchio. Locals have house parties.
5. The Women
What we say: LA is a place with tons of hot chicks. Live here and you can marry a chick like this:
The truth of the matter: You sure can find a girl like that. But if you want to keep up with the Joneses then in time your hot chick will look like this:
To the cities that have lost to the Lakers this playoffs I can only say this, Salt Lake and Denver, I have skied your slopes and that is as entertaining if not more so than anything you will do in Los Angeles. Houston, I have been in your clubs and women and they are just as nice as anything in LA, and you don’t have to wait for a bunch of other guys to get in before you do.
I sincerely hope this helps,