Why “First Blood” is The Greatest Christmas Movie of All Time

RICHARD

Hey there, hi there, ho there, computer folk! With the Holidays right around the corner, I thought it would be fun to write a few reviews about some of my favorite Christmases past. Nothing tops a LeVond Christmas – the scent of burnt liquor wafting through the air as your parents’ screaming match turns physical and a sound that can only be described as a baby vomiting tacks echoes in the snowy night. Those are just a few of the warming memories that fuel my shame eating every holiday season, but like my OverEaters Anonymous Counselor Fritz says, if you can’t turn your memories around, you’re going to develop type 2 diabetes! So for your benefit, I will double THAT exercise with my journaling, in the form of a familiar poem…

Richard here with a special holiday webnet review article essay journal entry! As you all sit around the fireplace with loved ones, listening to Perry Como and drinking eggnog, settle in with your movable, lap-sized computer and listen to Richard’s review of that classic movie that was a staple of every LeVond Christmas – First Blood on VHS! This all-out action thriller stars Sylvester Stallone as John Rambo, a mentally unstable Vietnam Vet who goes on a killing spree in a small town. Boy, can I relate! In my anger management group, I always volunteer to roleplay as the aimless drifter who seeks revenge on the insensitive townsfolk of some small Oregon hamlet. Dr. Spitz always has the same response: “Richard, we don’t roleplay in this group. Please stop choking Cathy.” Some people just don’t appreciate good live theater. Especially when it’s a dramatic reenaction of the greatest Holiday film of all time. Merry Christmas to all – except you, Sherrif Teasle, you old so-and-so!

Regards,

Regards,

Richard

POON

POON

Hello. Poon Here. Well, are we at Christmas yet? I went looking in my closet today. Looking through all the lovely things I’ve kept over the years. I wanted to find some wonderful gifts for all my friends in my groups. My help groups. I don’t like “self-help” as a term if you are in a group setting, because you are getting help from the group. Self-help is at home with just yourself. I was trying to self-help today for gifts to give away. I know I stored a lavender scented Jesus candle in my closet years ago. The perfect present for Christmas. It lights up, it smells great and it’s all about the Holiday. Perfect. Well, I couldn’t find it. I wound up lying in my closet balled up in the fetal position crying all day. Crying in my huge pile of years of collections. Oh the memories. An old leather jacket with a crochet Eagle with the words “I’m a Fast Bird” sewn in the back. Man, that jacket got me a lot of whistles. People would say “wow, here comes Poon”. I don’t know why they said that, but they did. I just thought it was the jacket. Did you know moth balls actually make the things in your closet smell like moth balls and taste like moth balls. If you’re like me and you find an old box of half-eaten chocolates in your closet – I recommend that you NOT eat them, even if you are sad. I’m feeling a little down, I think I’ll put on that jacket and go for a walk around the block …maybe someone will notice.

Do you get sad?

TTFN,

Poon

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About New Gold Tooth

We're a team of comedians with different specialties. Mostie does sports, Brian does pranks, the Zombie Gorillas animate stuff and Richard and Poon throw poop at each other. We're pretty sure that might be all you need to know about us. But if you really want to know more about us, please feel free to write a letter personally. Just place a self addresses stamped envelope in the mail with the following message: "I just paid the current rate of postage to mail myself a letter. This has taught me two things, one, I might be a moron and two, any website that would ask me to do this is supremely jerky." If you want to know anything else, send a second letter. You'll get the idea soon enough.