The Web-Net Review from our Web-Net Docking Center

RICHARD

Hey there, hi there, ho there, computer folk! Sorry I don’t know the proper term for people who use the web-net, but I figure that everyone has their own custom greeting, just like in real life! I figure it’s the only way people will really know it’s me. You’re probably thinking the same thing my Paranoia Anonymous counselor Skip says: “Richard, people do not think that Moon Men abducted you while you slept and replaced you with a synthetic killing machine whose prime directive is the utter and complete destruction of the human race.” Well, like I always say while handcuffing myself to the bed at night: it never hurts to be cautious!

Anyhoo, my wife Poon and I have started this webscreen so we can talk to YOU, whoever you are. Dr. Mottle, the head of my social outreach support group, says that communicating with the outside world is the first step towards recovery. Now, I’m not much for sharing my thoughts with outsiders (my acute agoraphobia makes me wary of anything outside my condo, the community center where my support groups meet and the local Kroger’s). Since I’m a fan of Siskel and Ebert (NOT Richard Roeper, whose review of “Rat Race” made me so mad that I punched a hole in our hamper and spent the night at the emergency room), I decided to create a bunch of reviews of the things and people I meet in my everyday life. My wife Poon will be sharing her thoughts too, and after a long discussion, during which I suffered no less than three panic attacks while Poon hid in the corner, crying and eating Funyans by the handful, we decided our first review would be of our new home: The Web-Net!!!

What a magical place. Who knew that so much information could be stored on a computer? I was able to read news, listen to music, and find out who played Boof in “Teen Wolf” without having to pause the VHS player at the end and squint at the credits. I highly recommend the web-net, or for short, The Information Exchange and Storage Area for users young and old alike – everything I’ve seen has been family appropriate and very tame, so why not let your 3-year old have a look around?

And for the record, the actress was Susan Ursitti!

Until next time, I’m hittin’ the highway! Not really; I think cars are just coffins on wheels.

Regards,

Richard

POON

Hello, I’m Poon. I collect things. I am thrilled to be venturing into this new thing I’ve discovered…The WebNet. I have always heard there are ways to get your answers without having to spend hours in the corner of a library hunched over a book or in the magazine isle at the foodmarket perusing at your leisure. I had many a sleepless night wondering how to get voices to quiet, or why, to me, jasmine flowers smell like a cheeseburger with day old mayonnaise. Or why I pass wind every time I cough – even if it’s the smallest cough, out comes that unwelcome sound and a scent reminiscent of jasmine. There are so many personal things that I just want answers to. All my doctors (they call themselves “therapists”) at my club meetings (they call them “12-step-self-help programs”) don’t seem to have the answers I’m looking for either. So they suggested I venture out to the WebNet to try to meet others who might know what it’s like to deal with what I deal with. My doctors think it’s a great idea for me to share my ideas, explorations, and curiosity with the world out there and maybe that will help me find my answers. They suggested it would be a good idea for me to share my “voice”. Not the constant screaming voice in my head that can only be described as sounding like a wounded baby and feeding vampire. By “voice”, my doctors mean my ideas and thoughts. They suggested I share my “voice” with the world through a process called blogging. At first I was very afraid because it sounded like a pretty violent act and I would never hurt anyone or myself. When my doctors said, “Blog about yourself,” I thought they wanted me to hit myself. Like flogging. Then they explained that it just means to get on this WebNet thing and write. Just write whatever you want – things that are of interest to you. You being me, Poon. What is interesting to Poon? What makes Poon tick? What gets Poon excited? So for my first blogging – my that really sounds violent, I think I’ll call it a Very Nice Blog Session – so for my very first Very Nice Blog Session, I think I’d like to give my thoughts and ideas on this new thing in my life The WebNet.

The WebNet seems like an endless thing when I hear others speak about it. My doctors said just type something in and search for it in this place called Google. That was just too overwhelming. What does overwhelming feel like to Poon? Probably like trying to fit a horse through a foot wide alley in France. I bet France is wonderful. I saw a picture once in a library book, France for Dummies and Those Who’ll Never Get to Go! I thought, “What a nice idea for someone to write that book for us.” Anyway there was this really pretty picture and it had a small alley. So I bet France is full of small alleys. The thought of flying over the ocean seems very overwhelming to me. I could never. Well, now I happened upon a place called Dictionary.com. This place says overwhelming means that which overwhelms; overpowering. Interesting… Interesting that they would say “overpowering”. That is just how I feel about this WebNet. It has some sort of power over me. I don’t know how I like this. I sit staring at this beast the WebNet and feel the urge to get my bat and hurt it to protect myself. This WebNet will not control me. I will control it. You’ll see. What are your thoughts?

TTFN (Is this good for WebNet salutation, I used it all the time in 8th grade when I’d pass notes or write a letter on my typewriter?),

Poon

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About New Gold Tooth

We're a team of comedians with different specialties. Mostie does sports, Brian does pranks, the Zombie Gorillas animate stuff and Richard and Poon throw poop at each other. We're pretty sure that might be all you need to know about us. But if you really want to know more about us, please feel free to write a letter personally. Just place a self addresses stamped envelope in the mail with the following message: "I just paid the current rate of postage to mail myself a letter. This has taught me two things, one, I might be a moron and two, any website that would ask me to do this is supremely jerky." If you want to know anything else, send a second letter. You'll get the idea soon enough.