Richard and Poon Review the Holidays

RICHARD

Hey there, hi there, ho there, computer folk! With the Holidays right around the corner, I thought it would be fun to write a few reviews about some of my favorite Christmases past. Nothing tops a LeVond Christmas – the scent of burnt liquor wafting through the air as your parents’ screaming match turns physical and a sound that can only be described as a baby vomiting tacks echoes in the snowy night. Those are just a few of the warming memories that fuel my shame eating every holiday season, but like my OverEaters Anonymous Counselor Fritz says, if you can’t turn your memories around, you’re going to develop type 2 diabetes! So for your benefit, I will double THAT exercise with my journaling, in the form of a familiar poem…

Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the House

Not a Creature was stirring

Especially not my alcoholic aunt, who had passed out before dusk.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

And if I didn’t get them to hang at a precise 45 degree angle,

My pet turtle would contract Dropsy.

But at least I was able to board up the fireplace to keep Santa from invading our home and trying to steal my DNA for genetic experimentation!

Wow – that DOES feel better!

Regards,

Richard

POON

Hello. Poon here. I yelled at someone in the fabric store today. I was there to buy some beautiful holiday fabrics in case I need them for anything in the next couple of years. Anyway, the lady that cuts the fabric sneezed while she was cutting MY fabric. I told her I couldn’t buy it and she said it was too late because she had already cut it and I would have to buy it. I kindly reminded her that she sneezed on my fabric. She still wouldn’t budge and insisted she sneezed near my fabric, not on it. Then I lost it. At the top of my lungs in a red-faced-rage, “I SAW YOU SNEEZE AND WATCHED ALL MILLION OF YOUR GERMY LITTLE BALLS OF LIQUID COME FLYING OUT OF YOUR NOSE AT THE SPEED OF SOUND AND FLY DIRECTLY AT MY BEAUTIFUL SANTA AND HOLLY BUSH FABRIC AND HIT IT WITH THE COMPARATIVE IMPACT OF A DISEASE-RIDDEN MISSILE FIRED INTO THE ETHER, NOW PUT ON A SURGICAL MASK, WASH YOUR HANDS AND CUT ME ANOTHER PIECE OF SANITARY FABRIC!”

I don’t like days where I am sent home without getting what I want.

Are you Merry this Holiday Season?

TTFN,

Poon

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About New Gold Tooth

We're a team of comedians with different specialties. Mostie does sports, Brian does pranks, the Zombie Gorillas animate stuff and Richard and Poon throw poop at each other. We're pretty sure that might be all you need to know about us. But if you really want to know more about us, please feel free to write a letter personally. Just place a self addresses stamped envelope in the mail with the following message: "I just paid the current rate of postage to mail myself a letter. This has taught me two things, one, I might be a moron and two, any website that would ask me to do this is supremely jerky." If you want to know anything else, send a second letter. You'll get the idea soon enough.