Richard and Poon Blog About Candy

RICHARD

Hey there, hi there, ho there, computer folk! Richard LeVond here to share another review with you. This week? Candy! I think we can all agree that candy is just about the greatest thing on earth, next to prozac and home alarm systems. Of course, it comes in all different varieties, each of them equally delicious – with the exception of one particular candy bar, which shall go nameless – suffice it to say that nougat is involved. This particular candy bar has been the source of a great deal of stress for me. Dr. Mallitz says that my grief is just transference stemming from childhood trauma and that I’m in denial about it, but I just pretend that I didn’t hear him while I pinch my leg so hard that my eyes tear up. Even if he were right, that wouldn’t mean that this candy bar is innocent – far from it! This thing is like a chocolate devil wrapped in plastic, taunting me with its wares and memories of a childhood beating from my father so severe that I still flinch every time I see a sweater vest. This weekendwhile attending my Rage-aholics Anonymous meeting I discussed my candy trauma, but since it wasn’t my turn to speak and I was barely whispering, everybody just kept on listening to the trucker who had strangled a Waffle House fry cook in Tupelo, Mississippi for burning his grits. Maybe one of theses days I’ll summon up the courage to speak out loud. Of course, my Soft-Voice Syndrome makes “out loud” a questionable label: One time I tried to scream, but the sound that came out of my mouth sounded a bit more like a goat. Oh well. At least M&Ms taste great – they’re the perfect snack to eat while I’m doing charcoal drawings of the Black smut I bought at Kroeger’s when Poon wasn’t looking.

Regards,

Richard

POON

Hello, I’m Poon. I collect things. I love M&M’s – the plain kind. I was eating a bag today while sitting on the edge of my mattress when I dropped a green one and it went rolling under the bed. This made me very unhappy because it was the last one and green ones must all be eaten or you have to step on a crack within 30 minutes or you’ll break something, so I got down on the floor and reached far under my bed. Richard’s bed and mine. He says I always hit him real hard in the middle of the night followed by a bloodcurdling scream. We argue about this all the time, because I think I am waking from a nightmare. I have no recollection of any hitting, and like I said in my last Very Nice Blog Session, I would never hurt anyone. So there is no way Poon would hit in her sleep. Anyway, my M&M landed right on a dust bunny and because it was wet from my tongue, the dust bunny stuck to it. M&M’s covered in dust bunnies taste like 100-year-old cotton candy filled with cockroach wings – tasteless fur with a crunch! It was worth it, though; M&M’s must not be wasted. Then it occurred to me that I put dirt in my mouth. I ran to the sink and washed my mouth out with antibacterial hand soap humming the birthday song 10 times. I felt very clean after that, and relieved after being reassured that I would not develop a special strain of mouth cancer caused by dust bunnies. Dr. Ceilington, my OCD doctor, says this just isn’t possible. He also said to go immediately back under the bed and face my fear. So under I went, with the intention of licking the dust bunny covered floor to prove that I don’t have to fear dust. I didn’t do it, though – we have carpet, and carpet can hold things like splinters, which might cause cancer if they get stuck in a warm place like a tongue. While I was under the bed I found some things; things I’m not sure I would want to add to my collection. Under Richard’s side, there was a magazine called “My Chocolate Bar”. The cover had a naked African American woman holding a giant Hershey bar that covered all her special places except the edge of her right nipple – I was appalled! I bumped my head. The dust bunnies under the bed made me cough, which of course made me pass wind. By this point I was super mad with Richard. I shoved out from under the bed as fast as I could and went to confront him about his man-fantasy magazine. He just said he likes Hershey chocolate. I believe him. Chocolate is good.

What are your thoughts?

TTFN,

Poon

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About New Gold Tooth

We're a team of comedians with different specialties. Mostie does sports, Brian does pranks, the Zombie Gorillas animate stuff and Richard and Poon throw poop at each other. We're pretty sure that might be all you need to know about us. But if you really want to know more about us, please feel free to write a letter personally. Just place a self addresses stamped envelope in the mail with the following message: "I just paid the current rate of postage to mail myself a letter. This has taught me two things, one, I might be a moron and two, any website that would ask me to do this is supremely jerky." If you want to know anything else, send a second letter. You'll get the idea soon enough.