16th April 2008
Governor Jon Huntsman, Jr.
RE: Upcoming business trip
Dear Honorable Mr. Jon Huntsman, Jr.:
I am currently planning a business trip to the great state of Utah from the 13th to the 18th of May. I have had the privilege of visiting Utah several times over the years, especially in my halcyon youth, and have always found it a place of striking natural majesty and friendly, honest people. From the surreal formations of Arches National Park to the quiet mystery of the Hovenweep ruins, I have always found in Utah scenery and history that inspire and fortify the spirit.
Without question, however, my favorite aspect of Utah is its proximity to Nevada. Nothing pleased me more in my prime than spending a bracing day on the slopes of one of your state’s incomparable ski resorts, returning eagerly to my hotel room to shower and don evening clothes and a fake moustache, and then speeding at breakneck speed across the state line for an evening of poker, whiskey, and violent yet satisfying purchased lovemaking. No marks above the neck and always have a safety word, right?
Ah, but the sun has set on those days. This old man has trouble just shuffling to the thermostat in the living room. Given my present infirmity a trip to a cathouse in Nevada to avail myself of the oldest profession is out of the question. I am loath, however, to allow the opportunity implicit in my upcoming business trip to pass by. I travel rarely nowadays, and usually on vacation with the wife at that. It can’t be too much for an old man to ask, one more chance to relive the glory days?
Of course I recognize the illegality inherent in having a professional visit me in Utah, but I propose a possible alternative. As I am physically incapable of trekking all the way into Nevada and back on my one free Saturday in Utah, I have arranged for a working lady of the type I used to favor to meet me at the state line exactly. Would it be illegal in the eyes of your state’s authorities were we to copulate with her planted firmly in Nevada and me merely thrusting into her from the Utah side? In this manner all the sin and fornication would be kept completely in Nevada, as long as the lady’s genitals never stray across the border, and I believe my health would allow me to make it that far. Or I could secure a wheelchair at the airport and merely roll across the line to be fellated.
I appreciate your attention and discretion in this matter, and thank you in advance for your prompt response.
Mr. Brent Sauvel