Pranking Beverly Hills Plastic Surgery Centers

A Fine Pair of Augmented Breasts

A Fine Pair of Augmented Breasts

The following email was sent to three different respondents:

Your website detailed several different options and techniques related to breast augmentation, but I couldn’t find anything regarding my specific concern. Is it possible to surgically “create” a breast? For instance for gender re-assignment or to replace a breast lost through accident or mastectomy? Has anything like that been attempted before, and if so is your center able to perform it?

The responses and dialogues with those respondents can be seen below:

The Office of Dr. Francis R. Palmer Rodeo Drive Plastic Surgery The Office of Dr. Steven Teitelbaum
Henley,Thank you for contacting the office of Dr. Francis R. Palmer.Yes, there are treatments for mastectomy patients and for gender reassignment. We do not perform reconstructive surgery at our clinic so we don’t augment mastectomy patients. I would visit a large medical center like Mayo Clinic, UCLA, etc.

As for gender reassigment, it is necessary to make a pocket and place an implant under the muscle.

As for breast loss from an accident…I really can’t give you any information as I have no idea what the area looks like.

If you would like to contact our office at XXX-XXX-XXXX, please feel free to do so. The cost of the consultation is $150.

Robyn, RN, MSN

Thank you for writing back so quickly, and with so much information.

I’m afraid I was a bit vague in my first email. I am not interested in reconstructive surgery. What I have in mind is more along the lines of gender reassignment, I suppose.

I’ll be more specific:
I understand from your response that it is possible to create a realistic, life-like breast where there wasn’t one before. Is that accurate?

Yes, many gender reassignment patients (male to female) have breast implants. Normally, you should be followed by a doctor who is prescribing your hormones. You will grow some breast tissue after being on hormones.


Great! With that established, please allow me to be clear about my intentions. I want to have breasts; sumptuous, natural-looking, full and perky breasts, implanted dorsally (i.e. on my upper back) so that when my partner and I make love in our favorite position there is something there to look at and fondle. Money is no object, although I would appreciate some credulity and discretion.

I look forward to hearing from you.

I hadn’t heard back from you regarding my last message, it must have gotten lost in the storm of emails you get every day. I certainly can’t think I’m being ignored due to my unusual request, right? I would be shocked and dismayed were I to find some vestigial moral objections amongst the cosmetic surgery community.

No, we do not perform breast implants dorsally. I would suggest you contact a large medical center, as we have never performed that surgery.

To be perfectly honest, I don’t think anybody performs this surgery. What kind of Mengele would create a freak, like Jocelyn Wildenstein or Thomas Beatie or Michael Jackson, for profit? Oh, wait, plastic surgeons would. Anyway, thanks for your time. I’ll take my business elsewhere.

Hi Brian,Thanks for your note! The best thing to do would be to come in for a consultation so that the Doctor may see what he is working with. Dr. Krieger does consultations on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Would you like me to set one up for you?Looking forward to hearing back from you!

Megan L.

Thank you for the quick reply, and certainly I will be glad to set up a consultation, but before that I think it would be wise to cover a few preliminaries. Primarily, I just want to know if it is possible to create a realistic, life-like breast where there wasn’t one before.

Yes, the doctor has done many transexual breast implants with great results!

Oh, fantastic. I knew I was talking to the right people. You come well recommended, by the way.

Now here’s what I had in mind: a matched pair of pretty, perky breasts (not too big, but well-rounded, you know?) implanted dorsally, or in other words, on my back.

I am of course fully aware that this is an unorthodox procedure, but it would mean the world to my loving partner, and I’ve always been anything but orthodox.

I haven’t heard back from you for more than a week. I certainly hope that you haven’t decided my intent isn’t worth your time. That would mean that you will turn men into women and women into men, but you won’t put breasts on my back. What bizarre and hypocritical logic that would be!

Hi Brian,

Did you have any other questions that I can help you with? I believe the last email we received from you was asking if the Doctor does breast implants and if you can get a natural result if there was not a breast before. The answer is yes, and we would love to have you come in for a consultation. Please let me know if there is anything else I can help you with!

Megan L.

I see how it is. Everybody with normal, everyday surgeries like vaginal rejuvenation and aesthetic belly-button reconstruction gets the red carpet; but let one free-thinker even ask about getting the back boobs he dreams of and it’s a saccharin “thanks but no thanks”. What have we come to when a citizen with ready money cannot express his love of breasts dorsally?

Your question is rather broad. Please ask your question more directly.S

Certainly, I apologize for the confusion. Is it possible to create a realistic, life-like breast where there wasn’t one before?

Please be more specific…

You know, you’re pretty abrupt for a guy who makes a living performing unnecessary surgeries. A little humility would serve you well. That being said, let’s see how specific I can be: I want breasts, good-looking, well-crafted, big fake breasts and I’m willing to pay for them. Can you do that?

For a transgender male, for a woman following a mastectomy, or for a small breasted woman?

None of the above! I want to become the first man with dorsal breasts, implanted prominently on my upper back just under the shoulders. I’m glad to surprise you, it sounds like you need a quick infusion of human emotion.

Somebody change doctorbot’s batteries, he’s not answering his email anymore! Anyway, I can only assume you’re ignoring me because of my irregular request. Sure, I’m the freak, not to be acknowledged. At least I’m not a highly trained healer who instead of saving lives decided to profit from human vanity and insecurity. You know, I tried selling my soul on Ebay once, but no dice. What’s your secret?

Please visit next Monday, May 4, 2009 to see where this prank goes.

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