Funny Prank Letter to Beverly Hills Hotel

Vlad Tepes
11XX E. XXXXX Ave.
Xdale, CA 91206
December 15, 2008

Tal Golan
Director of Guest Services
Luxe Hotel Rodeo Drive
360 N. Rodeo Drive
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

RE: Accommodations for the differently-enabled

Dear Tal:

Due to an acquired condition I am compelled to keep a specialized (and rather limited) diet, and to make essential modifications to my bedding’s materials and sleeping arrangements. Would your establishment, given sufficient prior notice, be able to accommodate these necessities?

Forever yours,

Vlad Tepes

Response (click to enlarge)

Second Letter (Sent Via Email)

From: R.M. Renfield (rrenfield@hotmail.com)

Sent: 19 December 2008 01:21:24

To: xxxx@luxehotels.com

R.M. Renfield
Assistant to Mr. Vlad Tepes

Dear Mr. Golan:

You were recently contacted by my employer, Mr. Vlad Tepes, regarding his stay at your hotel from February 10th-18th. I believe he mentioned his condition and his need for distinct considerations.

First of all, thank you for your prompt reply and many thanks to the Luxe Hotel Rodeo Drive for its willingness to cater to guests with special needs.

I gather from your letter that Herr Tepes has already discussed his dietary requirements and his sleeping arrangements, but more specifics were neccessary. I am eager to help facilitate your preparations in any way possible, but I am afraid that I am not overly familiar with the precise medical intricacies (I know for instance that there is a garlic food allergy, but the prescribed diet goes far beyond that), nor do I know exactly what information you have already been provided.

If you could let me know what information you require I can easily consult with Herr Tepes’ physician and provide you a comprehensive list. Thank you again, and have a happy holiday season.

Sincerely,

Renfield Signature

R.M. Renfield

Response

From: xxxx@luxehotels.com
To: rrenfield@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: special guest arrangements/ Herr Tepes
Date: Thu, 18 Dec 2008 17:32:31 -0800

Dear Mr Renfield,

Thank you for your e mail regarding Mr Vlad Tepes.

In the letter I received the specific requirements were not described. I suggested Mr Tepes contact me directly to discuss his requirements so that I can check with our Chef before guaranteeing his accommodation.
Please let Mr Tepes know that he can reach me at the below telephone number or e mail and I will do my best to arrange his stay with us.

Thank you again and I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind Regards,
Tal

Final Letter

R.M. Renfield
11XX E. XXXXX Ave.
Xdale, CA 912XX
January 09, 2009

Tal Golan
Director of Guest Services
Luxe Hotel Rodeo Drive
360 N. Rodeo Drive
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

RE: Accommodations for the differently-enabled

R.M. Renfield
Assistant to Mr. Tepes

Dear Mr. Golan:

I apologize for the prolonged discussions, but I hope to finalize these arrangements as quickly as possible. In the interests of which, I have imposed upon Herr Tepes’ personal physician to produce an analysis of his medical requirements while at your hotel, reprinted below:

Vlad Tepes is diagnosed with chronic and acute porphyria cutanea tarda. He is consequently genetically unable to synthesize usable hemoglobin, and suffers from the associated deterioration of vital organs (especially the liver). The disease presents as blisters, scarring, and erosions upon areas of the skin exposed to sunlight, cirrohsis, hyperpigmentation, and a general, I don’t know, pronounced ugliness. Seriously, the guy is hideous. I wear gloves and a mask whenever I treat him. I would also like to point out that labs have never detected the excess porphyrins in Vlad’s urine samples that are porphyria’s hallmark, which leads me to believe the old bastard is doing it on purpose.

As for recommendations on his treatment abroad, probably locking the guy in a box at the bottom of the sea. As this prescription has yet to be followed by any of Vlad’s hosts, though, I offer the following regimen: Mr. Tepes requires regular infusions of whole blood, at least twice daily, which he insists be administered orally in a goddamn jewelled goblet. He must also be kept from any exposure to sunlight, i.e. heavy shades and drapes on all windows and a late check-in after sunset. Lastly, to mitigate the scarring and dermal blisters he must rest for most of the day in a moistened sandy loam. That’s right, he sleeps in dirt. Good luck. I have yet to meet anybody more demanding and, well, eerily predatory than your honoured guest.

In short, Herr Tepes will require the complete absence of sunlight, twice daily blood transfusions, and space provided in his room for his therapeutic soil bath. If the Luxe Rodeo can oblige, reservations can be made without delay.

Sincerely,

R.M. Renfield

p.s. Our physician has always been prone to biliousness. Although Herr Tepes can be aggressive, I assure you the gifts of his rare beneficence are eternal.

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