Eight Prank Queries Too Outrageous to Get a Response

As many of you already know, my shtick is that I send out prank letters and see if I can get them taken seriously. Of course, not every attempt gets a response. For this week I have selected eight of my funniest (in my opinion) unanswered queries, and shown them the light of day. Yes, they were all really sent, and yes, I can see why they weren’t answered.

Eight Prank Queries Too Outrageous to Elicit a Response

1: Sent to Eric Dorfman SF SPCA, dog behaviorist and trainer:

“How much peanut butter can an average 60 lbs. dog safely lick in a day?”

Dogs licking… stuff

2: Sent to ableammo.com, ammunition retailers:

“Do you have any ammunition in the 16 gauge shotgun or the 38 Long Colt size that has been blessed by a priest?”



“Instead of burning them with the hot end of the pipe, is there an easier, less scarifying way to get the bugs out from under my skin?”

Bugs under the skin

4: Sent to sellyourgoldteeth.com:

“Do you also buy gold fillings? My great uncle Heinrich just died in Argentina and for some reason he had a whole big bag of them.”

The story of Heinrich Thyssen and the gold fillings

5: Sent to GLOBAL HEALING CENTER, purveyors of powerful colon cleansers:


Richard Gere


“Is there a legal way a federal inmate can demand the rights and treatment accorded a harbor seal?”

Federal Inmate

7: Sent to JEWS FOR JESUS at jfj@jewsforjesus.com:

“If two of your faith touch accidentally, do you explode into pure energy?”

Matter and Antimatter collide!

8: Sent to JOIN THE IMPACT, crusaders for gay marriage:

“I’m down for the next rally, but is it going to be another sausage fest like the last one?”

Two gentlemen enjoying themslves at a parade

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About New Gold Tooth

We're a team of comedians with different specialties. Mostie does sports, Brian does pranks, the Zombie Gorillas animate stuff and Richard and Poon throw poop at each other. We're pretty sure that might be all you need to know about us. But if you really want to know more about us, please feel free to write a letter personally. Just place a self addresses stamped envelope in the mail with the following message: "I just paid the current rate of postage to mail myself a letter. This has taught me two things, one, I might be a moron and two, any website that would ask me to do this is supremely jerky." If you want to know anything else, send a second letter. You'll get the idea soon enough.