Brian Offers to Help the Humane Society

LETTER SENT TO VARIOUS HUMANE SOCIETY OFFICES

Dear Humane Society;

I know that despite your best efforts, some companion animals are not adopted and need to be put down. I imagine the process must be very difficult for staff, and is probably quite expensive.

I own a large python. I have been feeding it feeder rats from a local pet store, but it occurs to me that I could spare your staff the trauma and expense (and save a few dollars myself) were we to work out a symbiotic arrangement. Please let me know what you think.

Sincerely,

Brian

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About Brian

Brian is a retired drill-press operator who lives voluntarily off the grid in a cabin in Montana. He has apparently been sending fake letters to businesses and prominent citizens for decades, as a hobby. We became aware of him when he sent us an envelope filled with white powder and some uncooked alphabet soup letters that spelled ‘ANTHRAX”. We spent over $100,000 sanitizing our offices and testing the staff before labs identified the substance as baking soda. We thought it was hilarious and asked him if we could publish his outgoing mail.