Brian Offers to Help the Human Society- The Farewell Letter

In Parts I-III (available for viewing) I offered to dispose of the Humane Society’s unadoptable pets by feeding them to my python. After prolonged negotiations, we have agreed not to pursue the option for now. Here are our final communications:


Dear Mr. Henley,

Thank you again for your thoughts regarding the aftercare of the animals we come in contact with through our organization. We do indeed try to treat all animals with the care and dignity they deserve. We also practice the utmost responsibility by treating all of the people we come in contact with the confidentiality they have a right to. I understand your position in regard to life and adaptive physiology, but unfortunately, at this time I do not believe we will be able to come to a mutual understanding in this matter.


Again, thank you for contacting the San Diego Humane Society & SPCA. Good luck in your endeavors.




Manager of Receiving

San Diego Humane Society & SPCA

5500 Gaines Street

San Diego, CA 92110

“Truth never damages a cause that is just” – M. Gandhi

Dear Ms. XXXXXX,

I understand. You’ve been very frank and professional with me and I appreciate that. Perhaps someday the world will be evolved enough to feed their pets to pythons, but until then we will just keep drugging and incinerating them.

It’s a moot point anyhow. My beloved snake has escaped. I suppose, given your line of work, you might be likely to see him before I do. He’s about 12.5′ long, has a green-scale pattern with a yellowish underside, and a wicked sodium pentobarbital habit. And he might be passing at least two pet locator microchips in the next month.

Let me know if you see him,


Related posts:

About Brian

Brian is a retired drill-press operator who lives voluntarily off the grid in a cabin in Montana. He has apparently been sending fake letters to businesses and prominent citizens for decades, as a hobby. We became aware of him when he sent us an envelope filled with white powder and some uncooked alphabet soup letters that spelled ‘ANTHRAX”. We spent over $100,000 sanitizing our offices and testing the staff before labs identified the substance as baking soda. We thought it was hilarious and asked him if we could publish his outgoing mail.