An Open Letter to the Arab World

A while ago I changed up the format temporarily and sent out an open letter to my fellow Americans. Today I see fit to send another open letter, but this time to the Arab World:

Dear Arab World,

I imagine, what with our President announcing a planned withdrawal of American forces from Iraq and Afghanistan, that you must be absolutely beside yourselves. There must be a part of you, however, that nags the back of your mind, a part that wonders if it could really be possible, if it could really be over.

Celebrate The War is Ending!

Image by drinksmachine

Silly Arab World, do you really think we became the Great Satan by giving up? What, do you think we’re like the Russians, carting in truckloads of expendable soldiers from our oppressed satellite states just to pull out because we ran out of money? We don’t have expendable soldiers or oppressed satellite states, and we don’t run out of money.

I have in my possession a token, a talisman of your undoing. It is a dark portent from the sands of ancient Babylon itself, acquired in the fertile crescent between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers and brought here, to my American home, at great personal risk and expense to be gloated over, chortled at and mocked. It is a blue baseball hat bearing the embroidered words: “Burger King Iraq”.

Indeed. You have already lost. There are Burger King franchises in Iraq, likewise Seattle’s Best, Subway Sandwiches, smoothie parlors, ice cream chains…

McDonald's in Dubai

Image by eesti

It’s only a matter of time now before Arab children are asking their mothers why dinner is never as good as a Happy Meal.

Double cheeseburgers. Khakis. Marlboro Reds. Coca Cola. Summer action blockbusters. Iced lattes. Nike. Hip Hop. Xbox. Simpsons reruns.

Your souls, so well girded against sin, are completely defenseless against convenience and affordable quality.

French fries. Poker nights. Red Bull. Reebok. Abercrombie. Drive-Thru everything.

Your ancient culture, so stalwart against invasion, has already been unalterably infiltrated by the juggernaut of mass appeal. Just like Japan to McDonald’s and the French to Disney, you too shall fall to the free market. We have already accomplished all we came to do.

Arabic Starbucks

by Alan Cordova

Your spirits remain Allah’s, your dinars shall belong to us.

Still rockin’ in the Free World,


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About Brian

Brian is a retired drill-press operator who lives voluntarily off the grid in a cabin in Montana. He has apparently been sending fake letters to businesses and prominent citizens for decades, as a hobby. We became aware of him when he sent us an envelope filled with white powder and some uncooked alphabet soup letters that spelled ‘ANTHRAX”. We spent over $100,000 sanitizing our offices and testing the staff before labs identified the substance as baking soda. We thought it was hilarious and asked him if we could publish his outgoing mail.