An Open Letter to My Fellow Americans

An Open Letter to my Fellow Americans

My Dearest Countrymen,

Our grand nation faces difficult times, and there can be no doubt about it. Wracked by spiraling recession, embroiled in uncertain foreign conflicts and knowing that the worst is yet to come, America’s future seems beset with probable hardship and tribulation. Worse than this, however, is the paralyzing fear this vision engenders, which erodes the optimism and faith that have long characterized our indomitable spirit.

I, for one, am not afraid! I proclaim loudly that I do not fear the days ahead because, unlike you, I am not a moron. I mean come on, you feckless herd of stampeding idiots, nobody forced you to accept loans you couldn’t pay. Nobody forced you to spend and buy beyond your means. Wall Street didn’t do this to you. The government didn’t do this to you. Why do you all seem to feel entitled to a lifestyle you never earned?

Your foreclosures have driven housing prices down. Those few amongst us, those precious few who work and save steadily, can now better afford our own piece of your country. Please know this plainly: as we who are responsible move into (and renovate) your old houses, we are building a solid bridge to our goals out of the corpses of your childish dreams.

Sincerely,

Brian Henley

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About New Gold Tooth

We're a team of comedians with different specialties. Mostie does sports, Brian does pranks, the Zombie Gorillas animate stuff and Richard and Poon throw poop at each other. We're pretty sure that might be all you need to know about us. But if you really want to know more about us, please feel free to write a letter personally. Just place a self addresses stamped envelope in the mail with the following message: "I just paid the current rate of postage to mail myself a letter. This has taught me two things, one, I might be a moron and two, any website that would ask me to do this is supremely jerky." If you want to know anything else, send a second letter. You'll get the idea soon enough.