A Letter We Mailed To Governor Schwarzenegger

Brent Sauvel
1234 Anytown Ave #1
Hometown, USA 11111

January 15, 2009

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger
State Capitol Building
Sacramento, CA 95814

RE: Solution to the budget crisis

Dear Honorable Governor Schwarzenegger:

For months, working entirely in isolation, and sometimes in my garage, I have devoted every sober moment to devising an infallible scheme guaranteed to put California back in the black. In the end it was so simple, so foolproof, even the California voters who forsook gay marriage only to favor costly rights to feathered farm fowl and foodstuffs couldn’t falter! Without further preamble, our solution and salvation is…

TURNSTILES! Not immediately apparent? Bear with me: California has throughout its illustrious history ever profited from the labor of the undocumented migrant worker. Why should these huddled masses yearning to breathe free be forced to skulk by darkness across lonely chaparral, secluded backroads, and across busy freeways? Simply construct sufficient turnstiles, throw wide the border, and charge cien pesos per cabeza, half off for children and hotties.

You need not stop there, however. Generate even more revenue with special offers. For instance, an additional fee could get the individual a black-light visible hand stamp, good for one free admission in the event of deportation. Souvenir booths could offer (at a price) items to commemorate the national transition. My personal suggestion would be jerseys, emblazoned with a sassy, “I went to America and all I got was state-sponsored health care, free public education, a school lunch program, clean and reliable utilities service, unemployment insurance, bilingual government services, subsidized access to higher learning, an improved standard of living, and this stupid T-shirt”.

I offer this plan in the spirit of good citizenship, and expect neither thanks nor recognition.


Mr. Brent Sauvel

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