I was given a gift today from a company that wants to do business with mine. When I saw the package, I was so excited! I felt like it was Christmas in March! You see I have co-workers who get gifts like chocolate, movie tickets, computers and jet skis. So when I saw a package addressed to me from a company that wanted my division’s money, I thought, “This is it! I’m finally going to get that play dough self-portrait! Ooh! Or maybe it’s a Me Transformer! Benbot, transform! And then I’ll make the transforming noise ‘troo hchu choo to tzhoo,’ and turn the ‘Mini Microwave Oven’ into ‘Battle Action Robot Ben!’”
So anyway, I pull out my box cutter knife (totally unnecessary by the way, the box was barely taped, a good fart would have opened the thing. But the knife feels manly and so I use it for pretty much everything. Opening envelopes, changing batteries, piercing the whole in that little aluminum spot for the straw on my juice box) and I break open my soon to be priceless gift. I finally unwrap the thing that will give me office bragging rights for a month as my excitement builds! What could it be!!
It’s! …a nut basket?
A flipping nut basket! I don’t like nuts, and I won’t use a basket! I wish that the world would get through its molten head that BEN IS NOT A FAN OF THE NUTS! Ever since I played that effeminate elf in the 9th grade play, it’s been hazelnut this and macadamia that and hey there kid, wanna look at my nuts! I mean for god sakes!