Global Warming: The Final Discussion

Dr. Ralph says that mankind is causing the Earth to heat up, and that we’re all going to die in a burning pool of ocean.

Taken by Hinode's Solar Optical Telescope on J...

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Dr. Doug says that the earth is naturally heating up regardless of mankind and this will inevitably lead to an Ice Age where we all die in a nifty 10,000-foot high block of Ice.

A photograph of the snow surface at Dome C Sta...

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So I said to the good doctors, “Look Docs, I have been told by a very reliable source that burning to death is extremely painful… actually… come to think of it how many times could Carl have possibly been burned to death? Once at most… but then he’d be dead. It is possible that my source is completely un-reliable. So… please disregard what I just said and replace it with, burning to death seems like it might possibly be very painful, though I have no evidence of this fact aside from what I have seen in movies with witches, stakes and angry flaming mobs.”

by Robert Couse-Baker

by Robert Couse-Baker

The doctors then spent twenty minutes getting me to elaborate on what I meant by flaming mobs. That’s what it’s like with scholarly types; you have to really be specific with your words. Eventually they let me continue, “…and have any of you ever had to put Ice on a swollen groin? It shrinks the Jesus from your Jimmy. My point here is, you have given the world only two options, possibly painful death, or worse, a society plagued with frosted mini peckers and unsatisfied women. What we need is not arguments, but solutions!”

After icing each other’s groins and screaming in panicked realization, the doctors said:

  1. Protect the ice caps
  2. Use less fuel
  3. Encourage nature
  4. …and most importantly, stop volcanoes

Let’s all do what we can to help the environment by doing one of the above!

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About Mostie

Who is Mostie? (Pronounced Mah-stee) Mostie Mitchell is a quasi-professional entrepreneur. He chose this track in life because of the following conversation and limitless other conversations like it: Random Lady: Hi… so what’s your name? Mostie: Mostie. Random Lady: Mostie? What an unusual name, what does it mean? Mostie: It's an acronym for Mayor of Skin Town with an "ie" at the end because I'm Australian. We add "ie" or "o" to the end of everything. Random Lady: Mayor of what now? Mostie: Skin town. I’m sorry, that probably sounds worse than it is, allow me to explain, I refuse to wear condoms. Random Lady: I see… so … um, who exactly are you here for, the bride or groom? Mostie: Well I’m hoping to spend some time with the bride later, so I guess I’m here for her. Random Lady: Were you invited? Mostie: To What? Random Lady: To this wedding! Who are you? Mostie: I’m an entrepreneur. Random Lady: Oh! Well why didn’t you say so! Welcome to my daughter’s wedding! Did you know that I can play the entire score of “Music Man” with my arm waddle? Watch… Mostie’s life as an entrepreneur has led him to such exciting and exotic locales as Los Angeles and Tijuana. His worldwide travels and cultural experience led him to an impressive career in interior design. “Modern Homes Today” called his design work in Old Mrs. Rabinowiecz’ home “A surprising combination of orange and carpet” and went on to say, “We’ve never seen plaid in a nursery before, and we don’t think we’ll see it again.” What is Sports Advice Mostie likes sports, but that's not why we hired him. We hired him because he knows how to play most musical instruments and we needed the help. Unfortunately he wouldn't help us unless we gave him a sports column. Also (for whatever reason) he's good at making friends and none of us had the heart to tell him to screw off. So he is going to give you advice on life in redgards to sports. He is completely unqualified but we think that makes this section all the more amusing. To get some advice from Mostie, drop him an email at