|Dear F. Stick.,
I am writing to you with my latest book review. What, you might ask, is the next stop on my sensational literary tour? It’s the “Da Vinci Code” by Dan Brown, available from Double Day Press for $24.95. I chose to finally read this book for two reasons: overwhelming social pressure and the promise of limitless power. The second prong stems from a secret a stranger promised to reveal to me if I read the entire book. I was told that this secret was so amazing that my mere knowledge of the secret would make me all-powerful and totally incredible. I will reveal this secret to you later in this letter, or maybe I won’t. Is the suspense building up yet?
Back to the review. Now I could just tell you what I thought of the book, but that wouldn’t be sufficiently tedious. Instead I will relate to you my book review by recounting the story of me reading the book. If you really can’t wait for my amazing and incredible opinion of this book, then try to decode the following message: !skcus yllatot koob sihT
If you think you’ve got the stones, then read the following story, and prepare to be astounded.
“Oh!” Stickney groaned, “Why am I reading this book? It is totally crappy.” Stickney frowned, and flipped through the pages again. There had to be something missing here. The book was long, filled with words, and didn’t have pictures of naked women in it. This did not appear to be porno, but if it wasn’t porno why was he reading it? He was about to heave the book into the trash can with disgust when he was suddenly paralyzed by a revelation.
Stickney grimaced as he remembered a stranger promising him powerful information in exchange for reading the entire book. He had to know this secret. It meant everything, but what could it be?
Stickney glanced up, feeling himself return from far away thoughts. The stranger was sitting on the couch beside Stickney. “Are you going to read the book, or are you just going to stare at the wall?”
Stickney realized he had to keep reading, but how? A wave of disbelief poured across Stickney’s face as he realized what he needed to do. I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS BEFORE! He now recalled how he had learned to read quickly by only looking at every third word. He had learned to do this during his years at Harvford University.
Harvford is the most amazing and incredible university ever created, though no one has ever heard of it! The University was created thousands of years ago by an early Masonic brotherhood. It was constructed in response to the intellectual dominance Harvard and Oxford would enjoy thousands of years later. The name Harvford is an anagram of Dorrfahv, an ancient word meaning smart. Harvford is also condensed from the English phrase “have a Ford,” which implies the ownership of a Ford Motor Company automobile. The University in fact owns a Ford! There are also 100 other reasons for the name Harvford, each equally important and they all intersect perfectly. This illustrates the fiendish genius of the Brotherhood. They were also brilliant enough to disguise this institute as the University of Pheonix and Devry A. Notice the underlined letters spell Harvford.
Stickney had learned during his training at Harvford to speed read by only reading every third word. He was using this technique now.
“Are you just reading every third word of that book?” the stranger asked.
Stickney looked stunned by this question. How could the stranger have known, he wondered? What else did the stranger know? Had she too attended Harvford, the most amazing university in universityverse?
A crash echoed through the room as Stickney slammed the book closed and shouted, “I am not reading any further until you tell me more about this secret!”
“Very well,” the stranger sighed, “I will start by asking you a question. Have you ever heard of Dan the Breakfast Man and his Breakfast Compadres?”
Stickney did a double take. “You KNOW about the Breakfast Club?”
“The secret,” she paused, “is what they ate everyday for breakfast.”
Stickney could not believe what she had just said. He sat in stunned silence. Dan the Breakfast Man? The Breakfast Compadres? The Breakfast Club? Breakfast?
If what the stranger said was true, and Stickney had an eerie sensation it was, then this was in fact an extremely powerful secret.
“I have to know more,” Stickney exclaimed, a look of panic washing over his face.
“Then finish reading the book,” the stranger replied with a look of calm serenity.
Stickney picked up the book and read with a new alacrity that allowed him to finish it in one sitting.
“Finished!” Stickney cried, feeling a tingle of excitement ripple through him, “Tell me the secret breakfast of the secret Breakfast Club!”
“It’s not that simple,” explained the stranger, “first you must know why it has been kept a secret.”
“Why has the secret breakfast of the secret Breakfast Club been kept a secret?”
“It is an old and ancient secret established by General Mills to protect their interests,” she said.
Stickney glanced over, “What interests?”
The stranger laughed. “Their interests in the international breakfast market.”
“You mean the intercontinental breakfast?” breathed Stickney.
“Precisely,” replied the stranger.
“So what was the breakfast?” inquired Stickney.
“The what is not important, it’s the when that’s important.”
Stickney looked puzzled, and closed his eyes. Suddenly he glanced up looking surprised. The stranger could see he had made the connection.
“So when did they have breakfast?” Stickney asked.
“Whenever they wanted,” chimed the stranger.
Stickney was stunned. “That’s the secret! They ate breakfast whenever they felt like it?”
“No, that’s part of the secret. The other more important part is what they had for breakfast.”
“Of course!” Stickney grinned. “So what did they eat?”
“That’s the incredible part, they ate pancakes!” the stranger blurted.
“Pancakes?” Stickney stammered, overwhelmed. “Whenever they wanted?” He felt the truth come crashing down on him in excruciating austerity. “Incredible. Pancakes, which comes from the Latin ‘pancato’ which literally means secret ass breakfast.”
“But how has this been hidden for thousands of years?” Stickney questioned.
“Because General Mills is a powerful force,” the stranger argued. “They can make anything they want disappear, including the secret breakfast of the secret Breakfast Club. Also, it hasn’t been totally secret. In fact it’s not a secret at all, you’re probably the last person to find out about it.”
“What are you talking about?” Stickney cried out, trying in vain to stand.
“Jeez,” argued the stranger, “didn’t you ever see those IHOP commercials? The ones that said you could have breakfast for dinner, lunch, or even breakfast. Everybody saw those.”
“Damn it!” screamed Stickney. “I read that crappy book for nothing!”
There you are F. Stickney, my book review for the Da Vinci Code. If you feel like reading this review was long, tedious, and totally unrewarding, then you don’t need to read the Da Vinci Code because you already know my pain.
Stickney de Bourgas.
Posted in: Articles– December 15, 2008