Christmas Lights

I woke up this morning with the kind of anticipation you can only have when you’ve missed your midnight pee. So I took care of that first, and then went straight outside to start the Christmas season ritual of decorating my house with lights, animatronic snowmen and bottle rockets.

As per usual I hung 27 separate strings of light on my roof, and I organized them into a giant mismatched square. In the center of that square I spelled out in my best cursive writing, “Bill Joyner is a douche bag. Please egg his house,” with a bright orange Halloween light arrow pointing in the direction of his home.

Sadly my next door neighbor Mark Halloway (really cool guy) usually gets egged because the Joyners live three houses over, but he’s cool with it because he agrees that Bill Joyner is, in fact, a total douche bag. This year Mark is designing a setup of his own with a sign that says, “douchebag, two doors further over,” only he has an even bigger arrow that he stole from the In & Out Burger on Allen Ave. last year (like I said, cool guy).

But that’s not the point of this week’s blog, the point is that the holiday season has arrived and one of you still hasn’t set up your lights. Do it already! I have a daughter who complains, every time I drive by your house. “Why are there no lights on that house Daddy? Everyone else has lights!”

“Because that Dad is a nut-rubber!” I say.

Then my wife tells me to stop swearing and I try to explain that nut-rubber is not a bad word and then we get into an argument about holiday spirit and the Nazis and I’m frankly sick of the repetition. So save yourself from a spot on my roof and decorate already!

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About New Gold Tooth

We're a team of comedians with different specialties. Mostie does sports, Brian does pranks, the Zombie Gorillas animate stuff and Richard and Poon throw poop at each other. We're pretty sure that might be all you need to know about us. But if you really want to know more about us, please feel free to write a letter personally. Just place a self addresses stamped envelope in the mail with the following message: "I just paid the current rate of postage to mail myself a letter. This has taught me two things, one, I might be a moron and two, any website that would ask me to do this is supremely jerky." If you want to know anything else, send a second letter. You'll get the idea soon enough.