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Top Ten: Weirdest Poorly Translated Fortune Cookies

Brian — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 13:10:24 +0000

Top Ten: Weirdest Poorly Translated Fortune Cookies:

1: “May you have ice cream in your pocket always”

2: “Quiet moments end in nosebleed”

3: “Wisdom falls upon you like whore urine”

4: “Never stop putting children within you”

5: “Strangers are just guests in your garage”

6: “Happiness is buried at the center of the sun”

7: “Calm lakes hide a dirty bottom”

8 “Chairman Mao stole my kidneys”

9 “The willow bows to the wind and the gas passes quietly”

10 “Fried Hamster Birthday!”

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Top Ten: Hoaxes Richard Heene Considered Before going with the Balloon Idea

Brian — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 13:00:15 +0000

by kor.toni.

Top Ten: Hoaxes Richard Heene Considered before going with the Balloon Idea

10: “My boy has been carried away by flying monkeys!”

9: “My boy was a puppet brought to life, then almost turned into a donkey, and is now in the belly of a whale!”

8: “Maybe if I hid the kid in the attic with a microphone and threw a speaker down a well…”

7: “I have a rare disease for which the only cure is national attention.”

6: “I could just go around the country yelling ‘Fire!’ in crowded theatres. But how would that exploit my children?”

5:“I’m the real Jaycee Dugard!”

4: “Maybe if I told everybody Mayumi was having eight kids at once…”

3: “My boy has been turned into a giant blueberry by a maniacal candy manufacturer!”

2: “Perhaps I could work towards accomplishing something that’s actually worthy of media coverage! Oh no wait, I forgot, I’m a goddamn joke of a man.”

1: “The KKK took my baby away.”

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Top Ten: Hardest Places to Sell a Bacon Cheeseburger

New Gold Tooth — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 16:00:11 +0000

10: In the dark

by mcbarnicle

9: Fashion shows

by Alaskan Dude

8: Meat processing plants

by Antoaneta

7: Out the back of your car

by Joe Shlabotnik

6: Solitary Confinement

by Smath.

5: On the Planet of Cows

by turbotoddi

4: Underwater

by mgleiss

3: Cancer ward

by * hiro008

2: Three way tie: Karaj, Iran/ Gandhinaghar, India/ Haifa, Israel

by HORIZON

1: Vegan Action Headquarters

by Toban Black

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Top Ten: Dreams I had Last Year

New Gold Tooth — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 18:00:00 +0000

10:	Lawnmowers cutting sausages
9:	Zeppelins commandeered by the bad gremlins
8:	Swimming pools filled with steel wool
7:	Headless archangels lecturing on nutrition. Whole Grains are Holy.
6:	I was Rasputin
5:	A baby crawled into its own slit wrist
4:	An aggressive xenotype, never before encountered in over three decades of space exploration, with concentrated acid for blood
3:	High school girlfriends wrapped in different flavored fruit roll ups
2:	Garbled transmissions that could have saved us
1:	Benjamin Franklin

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Top Ten: Things to Dance On

New Gold Tooth — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 18:00:00 +0000

10:	The equinox
9:	Your grave
8:	Command
7:	The head of a pin
6:	Thin ice
5:	And on
4:	A pole
3:	A hot tin roof
2:	National television
1:	MDMA

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Top Ten: Things That Everybody Hears No Matter How Loud the Party Is

New Gold Tooth — Mon, 25 May 2009 18:00:00 +0000

10:	“…male lions eat strange young when they take over the pride…”
9:	“… dribbled down my leg…”
8:	“… he can make it look like an accident…”
7:	“… one in each hand, the other three took care of themselves…”
6:	“… smells like my parents…”
5:	“… except for the swastika tattoo…”
4:	“… I cut it off and threw it to the chickens…”
3:	“… chlamydia’s like halitosis these days…”
2:	“… wooden eyeball…”
1:	“… cocaine…”

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Top Ten: Things the Golf Pro Says During Your Lesson

New Gold Tooth — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 18:00:00 +0000

10:	Wherever your feet are pointing, that’s where the ball will go
9:	Bend your knees a little
8:	My wife left me
7:	Same stroke, different club
6:	A $6.95 scotch is included in the tutorial price
5:	All anyone sees when they take their eye off the ball is a bad shot
4:	She wants the kids? Fine, I keep the Porsche
3:	The long game is shine, the short game is practice
2:	No, we’re athletes
1:	That $6.95 scotch was included in the tutorial price
Please post your own golf pro quotes, no charge

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Top Ten: Smurfs that were Hidden when the Cameras Came ‘Round

New Gold Tooth — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 18:00:00 +0000

10:	Emo Smurf
9:	Smurf Guevara
8:	Steroidy
7:	Dicknose Smurf
6:	Hybrid Smurf
5:	Smurf the Ripper
4:	MechaSmurf
3:	Smyflexic Dursf
2:	Coprophasiac Smurf
1:	Dr. Manhattan

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Top Ten: Things United States Marines Say right before They Die Thousands of Miles from Home While You are Buying Groceries

New Gold Tooth — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 18:00:00 +0000

10:	“Really? The economy is your biggest concern?”
9:	“Corpsman!”
8:	“Sure, I’ll pose for a picture…”
7:	“Request medevac.”
6:	“Sure, I’ll hold your kid.”
5:	“Perhaps that well-groomed gentleman recruiting for the Air Force had a viable point”
4:	“At least I won’t be permanently handicapped”
3:	“… six this is two… “
2:	“… say again, say again…”
1:	I would trade any number of you to have one of them back
Sent to us by a US Marine. We felt it necessary to post.

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Top Ten: If the Pope had Theme Music…

New Gold Tooth — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 18:00:00 +0000

10:	“Fanfare for the Common Man” by Aaron Copeland
9:	“Jesus Walking on the Water” by the Violent Femmes
8:	“Rush Rush Give Me Yeyo” by Debbie Harry
7:	“Faith” by George Michael
6:	“Jesus is Just All Right With Me” by the Doobie Brothers
5:	“Thus Spake Zarathustra (2001: A Space Odyssey theme)” by Wagner
4:	“I Got You (I Feel Good)” by James Brown
3:	“(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction”, The Rolling Stones
2:	“Sympathy for the Devil” same band
1:	“The Imperial March” by John Williams

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