© Indianapolis Colts Cheerleaders

So with that, I bring you:

The Six Groups Who Would Suffer the Most Without Breasts

Babies

Despite what Hollywood and horny men everywhere will tell you, the purpose of breasts is actually to feed milk to babies. Whether or not this activity is the very thing that causes mankind’s obsession with them is a question for an expert far more qualified than I, but after having two children of my own I can tell you with confidence that babies love their milk jugs and taking them away leads to screaming. Come to think of it, taking boobs away from anyone leads to screaming.

Austin Breastfeeding Challenge 2007 by Chim Chim

Boys

Nothing enthralls or distracts a young man or boy like a supple pair of breasts. They play video games for them, steal dad’s Playboy to see them and stare blankly at them whenever they plod idly by. Some of the most clever poetry scarcely heard was written by boys about boobs. So really, supporting breasts is the same as supporting creativity… and bra companies (who should probably be on this list, but that’s too obvious).

Image Credit: pwnedoncamera.com

Cougars

How are the cougars of the planet supposed to seduce unwitting twenty somethings without a mass of cleaved mammaries? I would dare say that the job would be impossible. This new crop of important citizens have a difficult and unforgiving enough job as it is, failure means humiliation, success… also leads to humiliation… anyways, cougars need breasts.

by virtualvoid

The Porn Industry

Ring the doorbell, give the pizza, ask if her husband is home, show your wiener, play with boobies, fellatio, cunnilingus, missionary, doggie, she goes, you go, scene! This scene and hundreds of thousands like it would simply be impossible without breasts. For this reason and many others, the porn industry would suffer greatly without breasts. That being said; feet, armpit, elbow and knuckle hair fetishes would keep this industry going strong, even without the almighty hooter.

From gfxwallpapers.com

Men

The Aquabats said it best, “Big ones, little ones, fat ones, skinny ones…” of course they were talking about snakes and they were speaking negatively; but if you apply the phrase to jumblies and make it positive, then you’ll know what kind of breasts men appreciate. We go to the gym to watch them bounce, we crash cars to see them for just a moment longer, we donate to the Komen Foundation and write breast related blogs, just so we can talk about them. If breasts fell off of the face of the earth, many men would lose their inspiration and die of indifference.

By rlh53

Women

Women love breasts, they don’t seem to sometimes, but they do. They are a wonderful tool to get just what they want. They wear sexy tops, jut out their chests and smile as they place them on display, all of this resulting in complete control over 88% of all men. They stare at cleavage just like men, the difference is, they aren’t as obvious when they look and they can always use the phrase, “I love your top” if they get caught. This phrase, by the way, not only makes a boob check completely acceptable, it starts a conversation about clothing which gives both women a chance to check out each other’s breasts. Or at least that’s the way it goes in my head.

By mandijo504

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Delonte West by Keith Allison

Apparently Cleveland Cavalier guard, Delonte West, skipped practice recently. No one really knows why, but the popular theory is that after carrying loaded and concealed weapons in his car (including a shotgun in a guitar case, rock!) he was not in a good place mentally to join the team in preparation for the upcoming season.

Now, I could ask why he felt it was necessary to carry a bunch of loaded weapons in his car but that question has been presented ad nauseum and the answer is always the same: “because I’m a target”. So instead of ignoring this answer and trying to dig down into the deep-seated psychological issues that face West, and other notable gun toting athletes, I’m going to assume that this answer is the absolute truth.

We live in a barbaric society where average everyday Americans want nothing more than to cleave the hard grown brains of famous athletes from their carefully chiseled skulls! It’s a war zone out there, America! We mustn’t stop athletes from carrying guns, No! We need to give them more guns! In fact there should be a provision added to the Constitution that allows… nay, requires all athletes to carry rocket propelled missiles on jet packs. Without such a provision, I fear that professional athletics may cease to exist in this country.

Chidori Kaname (千鳥かなめ) by Yume Photo

Don’t believe me? Well then ask yourself this, what is the first thing you think about in the morning? What’s for breakfast? How in god’s name is it already 7:00am? No, you want people to think that you think that, but Delonte West and I know the truth. You wake up and you immediately think the same thing that everyone else does: I must viciously murder a person today who is my athletic superior! Don’t deny it.

So let’s change our tone today America, let us not punish these athletes for carrying lethal and concealed weaponry, let’s applaud them instead. For they live in a world where whizzing bullets and explosive detonations are a way of life and the only way to stop this is to let our country’s brightest athletes blast the shoulders off of ordinary citizens.

file01920 by by dklimke

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Lone Syringe by kreg.steppe

As the ever-increasing list of steroid users in Major League Baseball is leaked I, and thousands of 30-something year-old men like me, am reminded of the overweight, mustachioed, baseball card shop owner. A man who convinced us, in earnest, to invest in Mark McGwire rookie cards when we were scarcely ten years old. We flocked to the card shop and spent our hard-earned, lawn mowing and toilet cleaning money by the truck load and we were glad to do so. We had dreams you see, dreams of owning a piece of history, dreams of giving our collection of rare and valuable cards to our sons, and using that as a bonding experience. At least most of us did, David Ruiz used to bend them around the spoke of his bicycle tire and enjoy the flapping noise it made when he rode his bike.

But most of us were excited by the high powered young players of the era.

“These guys are changing the game,” we would say.
“The combination of speed and power these players hold is unheard of,” we said.
“Five tools! Five Tools!” we screamed!

From the age of 10 to the age of 24 I spent over $1000.00 collecting future “legends” like Roger Clemens, Manny Ramirez and Sammy Sosa. I had a collection that during the height of the home run era was worth well over $10,000.00. I was flying high! I had a speech prepared for my future son about the skill and patience needed to build a classic collection, I wore a monopoly man costume for Halloween, I thought I was a genius, the king of bubble gum stained cardboard. I laughed at David Ruiz, “How could you waste a $45.00 Juan Gonzales card on your bike? It’s sad how you loved that ridiculous noise!”

Barry Bonds - Giants vs A's by Steve Rhodes

If only I knew that this unheard of greatness was because those bastards were cheating. One by one, my precious cards faltered. With each new investigation came new names. The witch-hunt was on and I was losing. But still, all was not lost, sure, Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens were toast but I had Alex Rodriguez! He was pure, he was clean! He shall save baseball and my card collection in simultaneous triumph! Until we found out that he wouldn’t, because he wasn’t.

Now it’s just a matter of time before those collections are barely worth the paper on which they are printed. If Ken Griffey Jr.’s name is ever leaked then I will have more value in my sons diaper then in the baseball card collection I had planned to give him. I am disappointed, frustrated and even irate; not so much at steroids or at my government for starting this witch-hunt, but at Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Alex Rodriguez and the like. These were good ballplayers. Maybe they wouldn’t have been the best ever without steroids but they probably would have been hall of famers and legends anyway. If not them then someone else in my collection would have been. But they were larger than life, perhaps even bigger than the game and so their magnified decisions made the entire era suspect and the cards that I, and so many others, collected suffered the consequences.

Baseball Cards by by Joe Shlabotnik

So I have made a decision, I have decided that when my son is old enough I’ll give ol’ David Ruiz a call and tell him what a genius he was. Then I’ll fold my $2.00 Juan Gonzales rookie card over my son’s bicycle wheel spoke and let him listen to the beautiful rhythmic melody of its flapping noise, and then I’ll have peace.

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My fiance and I are heading down to Louisiana where I am going to meet her father and brother for the first time. I have been warned that they are huge sports fans. They played football in high school and they watch whatever sport is on TV whenever possible. I would like to fit in, and make a good impression but I am the world’s crappiest athlete and I just don’t get sports. What do I do?
Thanks in advance,

Martin – Lowell, MA

The Non-Athlete’s Guide to Acceptance in a Family of Athletes

This is what you’re up against.

Step 1: Start a conversation with an esoteric fact

You don’t need to know everything about sports to be considered knowledgeable. If you know one thing that only an insane sports fanatic with time on his hands would know, you will instantly earn credibility. In fact, if that same fact can inspire volatile emotions, you’re even better off. For instance, these guys are probably big fans of the Louisiana State University Football team. So start a sports conversation by mentioning the fact that Ya’el Lofton, the Coordinator of Football Operations, was a big fan of Nick Saban’s (former head coach) and thinks that the fans have gotten carried away with their hatred of him. This statement will either cause your future in-laws to get really angry about Nick Saban, or it will inspire them to defend their old coach. All you have to do at this point is listen and agree.

Ya’el Lofton – Coordinator of Football Operations, LSU. See, she really exists.

Step 2: Know your area, be vague and ask questions

Now that you have established yourself as a learned sports expert, it will be time to answer some questions about sports. The important thing to know here is that sports is 10% history and 90% opinion. The natural questions that you will be asked are which teams and players you like most. The only question you will need to have an answer for is the team one. So go to the Internet, find out which sports teams are in your area and claim them to be your favorite. After that all answers should be vague and non-commital, say things like, “that’s a tough one”, “sort of”, “hmm” and the like. Then immediately follow your answer with the same question and agree with his answer. For Example:

Brother-in-law: Which team is your favorite?
You: The Red Sox
Brother-in-law: Do you like that Pedroia guy?
You: Meh. What do you think of him?
Brother-in-law: Pretty good for a guy of that size.
You: I guess that’s true.

Kelli Pedroia. Probably should have found a picture of the Red Sox second baseman
Dustin Pedroia to put here, but who would you rather look at?

Step 3: Talk like you a sports guy

Okay, so you’re established as a learned sports guy who can answer questions. Now it’s time to show that you can talk like a jock. This is much easier than you might think. All you need is to add three basic words to your vocabulary and use them a lot. The words are dominant, clutch and key.

Use “dominant” for anything that is awesome:
Mrs. Bladiblah these are dominant brownies!

Use “clutch” for anything that saves the day:
Bringing the beer to this barbecue was clutch, Mr. So-and-so.

Use “key” to reflect upon a moment that made something good.
It was a bit bumpy but pretty good all in all, the in-flight movie was key.

Avoid this uncomfortable moment by appearing as if you talk like a sports guy!

Step 4: Discuss a fake injury

You’ve shown that you can talk the talk, but eventually you will be asked to walk the walk, (play a sport). Before this happens, make sure to tell your “injury story.” The story should be gruesome and must involve the tearing of at least one of your ligaments. Something like this:

“I wish I could still play, but my knee is ruined. Two jerks clipped it in a soccer game and tore my ACL, PCL and MCL. I can walk on it okay now but if I ever want to play ball again, the doc says I’m going to need surgery. Pisses me off.”

Then, if they decide to play, get up to “try” and then, after you are outside for a while, make a grimace and stretch your “ruined” leg. Then hop up and down a couple of times and shake your head. Tell the guys that you are sorry “but it just doesn’t feel right today” and sit down on the sideline and look depressed.

This one doesn’t need a caption… and yet here it is.

Step 5: Competitive Non-Athletic Gaming

Now comes the most important part, at the heart of sports is competition, so it is key to prove that you are competitive. But since your “horrific injury” won’t allow you to play a sport, suggest that the family play a board game, video game, darts or anything else competitive that you can do well. Play the game and try really hard to win while remembering to look like it’s killing you inside a little bit when things are going poorly. If you lose, be a good sport but be visibly upset about the loss. If you win, make it look like the only thing containing your happiness is good sportsmanship. Over time, when you actually marry this girl and the family starts to love you, feel free to get more visibly emotional about the board games- heck, get borderline over-competitive. Apologize for it but do it, it will seal your manliness in the eyes of your new father-in-law.

Play a board game with your new family and be as happy as these people!

If you follow these simple steps you will never be looked at as the family sissy and you will only need to maintain a basic understanding of sports to do so.

I sincerely hope this helps,

Mostie

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Thanks to your votes only two douchebags remain. Cast your vote in this, the championship round, and crown America’s Biggest Douchebag!

Round One Results
Semi Final Results

Douchebag Championship Battle

Dane Cook	Kanye West
How Mr. Cook Got Here Round-1 Defeated Alex Rodriguez 697-347 Round-2 Defeated P. Diddy 1250-1188 Some Suggestions to Help Mr. Cook Become an Even Bigger Douche - Create the Mega-Super Finger. Nothing too fancy, in fact don’t change the hand gesture at all, just add an upward arm thrust and a little hop at the end. - Start telling the press that some of your best friends are total “gaylords” and that’s why it’s cool that you use the word in your comedy. - Write a movie about the last word of a publishing tycoon being “Rosebud”. Put your name on it, star in it, film it in your own inimitable style and somehow make tons of money. Maybe call it, “Citizen Dane”.	How Mr. West Got Here Round 1- Defeated Jared Leto 897-122 Round 2- Defeated Spencer Pratt 1311-936 Some Suggestions to Help Mr. West Become an Even Bigger Douche - Change the title of your autobiography to, “The Bible-Part 2″. - Create your own awards show, “The Kanye’s,” air it at the same time as the Grammy’s, give every award to yourself and then tell America how awesome you are. - Since you’ve already been “forced” to change your name to Martin Louis the King Jr, why not go all the way. Write a song called “I Have a Dream” where you sing about children wearing your high quality shoes. Who knows, it might win a “Kanye!”

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The Biggest Douchebag in America! A Contest

We have hand selected (qualifications included) the eight men that we feel are the biggest douchebags in America right now and they have been paired up for a head to head contest where you get to vote for the person who you feel is the bigger douche. Next week we will announce the winners (based on your votes of course), and write a little description of how we think each douchebattle would have gone. Then the winning douchebags will be re-paired for a semi-final and we will repeat. When only one douchebag remains he will have the historic honor of being named “The Biggest Douchebag in America! 2009”

So without further ado:

Douche Battle-1

John Mayer	P. Diddy
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Mr. Mayer’s Qualifications - Seems like he has publicly dated and dumped every female in Hollywood. - Goes out of his way to act like he’s laid back and doesn’t care what people think. Then uses Twitter to explain in detail why he is not a douche. - After declaring himself a “showbiz type”, actually wrote this: “So you see, though filled with deep emotional voids that can never be filled, Showbiz Types are an important part of our Nation’s tapestry.”	Mr Combs’ Qualifications - Has at least six names that he goes by (or has gone by). You can’t give a nickname to yourself, douchebag! - Created (along with Ashton Kutcher) “The New Rat pack” and proclaimed himself the “Frank Sinatra.” You can’t give a title to yourself, douchebag! Especially that one. - Complained that gas prices were too high for his private jet and was appalled that he had to start flying commercial.

Douche Battle-2

Spencer Pratt	Donald Trump
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Mr. Pratt’s Qualifications - Tried to leave the reality show I’m a Celebrity Get Me Outta Here because he’s too rich and famous and the other celebrities on the show were “lowering his status.” When NBC allowed him and his wife (Heidi Montag) to leave, he begged to get back onto the show. - Without his wife we’d have never heard of him and he wouldn’t make this list, yet no one is a bigger dick to their wife. - Said this: “The bottom line is I’m making people react and ultimately not think about that we are in a war in Iraq and are trying to pick leaders.”	Mr Trump’s Qualifications - Fake tan, pursed lips and that luxurious hair - Gave Anne Hathaway dating advice regarding her thieving boyfriend but can’t stop getting divorced - Because he said this: “All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”

Douche Battle-3

Dane Cook	Alex Rodriguez
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Mr. Cook’s Qualifications - Gets laughs by ranting about the awfulness of dogs crapping on his yard… Has a dog that craps on his neighbor’s yard. - Has been known to “borrow” bits from fellow comedians… and then make lots of money with said bits. - Famous for a hand gesture called the super finger (pictured above)	Mr Rodriguez’ Qualifications - Left his hot wife for… Madonna? - Said in an interview that he had never cheated at baseball by taking steroids. Then he got caught and admitted that he had taken steroids. - Born in the USA, lived in the USA for most of his life and made all of his money in the USA. Yet he plays for the Dominican Republic in the World Baseball Classic (World Cup of Baseball).

Douche Battle-4

Kanye West	Jared Leto
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Mr. West’s Qualifications - Proclaimed himself the voice of this generation, then lip synced on Saturday Night Live. - Proud and outspoken “non-reader” currently writing an autobiography. - Created ugly shoes and then said this: “When the red shoes hit the runway…I was forced to change my name to Martin Louis the King Jr… Address me as such.”	Mr Leto’s Qualifications - Started a rock band and his fans wouldn’t catch him when he attempted to stage dive. - Has been known to smash or threaten to smash people in the face with bats and microphones. - Puts on the tough guy image to get chicks, weighs about as much as my daughter.

Thanks for participating and having some fun with us here.The winners will be announced with douchebattle description on Monday, June 14, 2009.

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Jimmy
Boulder, CO

Being that this is an advice column, I’m not sure what you’re looking for with that statement, but I appreciate the sentiment. I’m from LA so I’ll share something with you to help you through the loss.

Things That People in LA Brag About But Aren’t as Good as We Say

1. The Weather

What we say: The temperature’s perfect, the sun is always shining.

The truth of the matter: The people of Los Angeles enjoy a pleasant winter, it usually drops no lower than 50˚ and the sun shines brightly for most of the season. The flip side of this is that the summer is hotter than Doxens in a grease fire, so usually the locals stay in the safety of their air conditioned homes or get wasted and cannonball the neighbor’s gorilla themed rubber pool. Then when winter finally returns we look to the sky and quietly wish for it to rain.

2. The Fashion

What we say: It’s the one place where you can dress like it is springtime all the time.

The truth of the matter: While Hollywood does bring this city an inordinate share of Betties, there is no such thing as a city populated entirely by babes. This point is made because so many young women do indeed dress like it is springtime all of the time which leads to the regular and unfortunate sighting of jumbos dressed like a stuffed sausage.

3. The Open Space and Communities

What we say: There are so many wonderful communities around LA where you can find a nice home with some land and privacy to raise a family.

The truth of the matter: It’s true that there are unbelievable tree lined communities out here with large lots and great neighbors… But few people can afford such a place without getting one of the high paying jobs in the city. The result is a two hour drive to move 30 miles and a sky so brown you’d swear you were tunneling Mother Nature’s colon! We could fix this with public transportation, but we won’t allow that to happen, because if public transportation went by our homes it would ruin the privacy and take away the space.

4. The Nightlife

What we say: There’s so much to do here! We have shows, fine dining, sports teams and clubs.

The truth of the matter: Scalpers, corporations and spoiled rich children who come from where you live have already booked reservations and bought tickets to every restaurant, sporting event and show in the city (save for the Clippers, but who wants to watch that mess), so locals end up watching these things on TV and eating fast food. The clubs are a blast, but unless you have healthy labia and stats that read 36-24-36 you’re going to have to wait in line while the bouncer hobnobs with Ralph Macchio. Locals have house parties.

5. The Women

What we say: LA is a place with tons of hot chicks. Live here and you can marry a chick like this:

The truth of the matter: You sure can find a girl like that. But if you want to keep up with the Joneses then in time your hot chick will look like this:

To the cities that have lost to the Lakers this playoffs I can only say this, Salt Lake and Denver, I have skied your slopes and that is as entertaining if not more so than anything you will do in Los Angeles. Houston, I have been in your clubs and women and they are just as nice as anything in LA, and you don’t have to wait for a bunch of other guys to get in before you do.

I sincerely hope this helps,

Mostie

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Gary Pierce
Sacramento, CA

Dear Gary,

As it happens, only you can stop the NBA draft Lottery from ever happening again. Allow me to explain, this entire lottery system has been created to screw you, Gary Pierce of Sacramento, California.

Don’t believe me? Well then tell me, do you recognize the man pictured to the right? You should, his name is Morton Stern and you sold him a pair of forged Chuck Taylors when he visited your shoe shop in Old Town. Since then his father, one David Stern (Commissioner of the NBA), has been toying with your emotions. Still don’t believe me? Well then, don’t you find it interesting that the only year the Kings have ever won the lottery they were forced to choose between guys named Pervis Ellison or Danny F(bleep)ing Ferry? Or that since that day, the Kings have been in the draft lottery eleven times and have won a top three pick only once?

Well you had better believe it because now, the Kings are clearly the worst team in the NBA, a team changing post presence (Blake Griffin) is available and you, Gary Pierce, are expectant and excited. So what does the good ol’ league do? Why, in the ultimate feast of Pervis Ellison irony, they give the pick to the only team that has drafted a worse player with the #1 overall pick (Michael Olowokandi) than your beloved Kings, the Los Angeles Clippers.

So you ask how to make it stop? Go to Morton Stern and give him a pair of brand new, genuine Chuck Taylors and apologize for ripping him off.

Hold on, my editor just read this and (this is embarrassing) apparently the man pictured above is of absolutely no relation to David Stern… In fact that is a picture of a random guy… So actually, I have no idea why there is a lottery system. My apologies I can’t help you, but you really ought to consider selling some legitimate shoes.

I sincerely hope this helps,

Mostie

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I hate golf, but my family loves it. They leave it on the TV all weekend long. How can I convince them that Golf is boring?

Thanks,

Maria
Murphy, TX

Dear Maria,

The rise in popularity of Golf can be directly correlated to the emergence of one Eldrick Tont Woods. Normally I would suggest that you replace ol’ Tonty’s (a popular nickname for the man) Folgers Crystals with clean, emissions free plutonium. But as such an act would likely cause some unsightly swelling and death, I won’t. My love for Eldie (Another popular nickname) runs too deep for that.

So instead I will simply suggest that you take your family golfing. That’s right, make them play. Every time they put Golf on the TV, load them into the car and pay for a family game of golf. At first they will think that you are the coolest Mom in history and they will even enjoy the experience. Over time however, they will realize how hard golfing actually is. They will see that they are not as talented as The Mighty Wood Hammer (his third and final, well accepted nickname) and will probably hurl their clubs into far reaching trees while shouting thoughtless obscenities at unthinking foliage. The end result will be a family too pissed off with the only sport named after a four letter word to continue watching it on TV.

You see, boredom is not an active emotion, so convincing someone that something is boring is usually ineffective, go for hatred instead, it’s far more effective. The best way to make someone hate golf is to make them to play it.

I sincerely hope this helps,

Mostie

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