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It’s been a while since Poon and I have fired up the modem and dialed into CompuServe, but we have a good reason why.

Steel yourselves, good friends, because this is a chilling tale of love, adventure, and the petting zoo at the Kansas State Fair. My Agoraphobics Anonymous arranged a group outing to the fair as a kind of “hazard drill”. After all, if we could make it in that environment, he mused, we could make it anywhere. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that and he said “get in the Astrovan you nutty-ass douche!” (we have fun nicknames for each other – I call him “Sir”!) So I jumped in and away we went.

The state fair is like Rock Music: a scary devil’s buffet of overpowering sights, sounds and smells. I’m hazy about this next part. There were clowns. A guy with really greasy hair wanted me to throw darts at something. A rubenesque woman was waving a corn-dog at me, and a lot of people were pointing at me. I don’t know what the big deal was: hadn’t they seen a full grown man reduced to snotty tears running through a midway screaming “protect me Jesus” at the top of his lungs before?

It was by accident that I strayed into the livestock area, and that’s where I saw him: Blaze, the World’s Most Serious Horse.

Image Courtesy of soylentgreen23

Our eyes met, and I instantly knew what it meant to have the devil punch you in the naughty bits. A fire raged within him, the kind that grabs you by the short hairs. I screamed, “What do you want from me, Devil?!”

He said nothing. What a cool customer. Every terrible experience I’d ever had came rushing to the front of mind, and I knew he was up to one of his horse mind tricks. But I’m not fooled so easily, friends. I did the only thing I could – I passed out and woke up a week later in the hospital.

Guess that’ll teach me to leave the house ever again for any reason what so ever!

Regards,

Richard

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Hey There, Hi There, Ho There Webnet Folk!

Well, the weather out here in Kansas is getting much better, and since the sky is clear and I can see the beautiful landscape, so I figured I would review my own home state! The best part of Kansas is that it’s flat, so you can see rampaging elephants coming from miles away and have ample time to execute your escape plan. If you are one of the more than 15 Americans who suffer from Pachyphobia Americanus (scientific term for the fear of stampeding elephants in geographic locations to which they are not native) and you DON’T live in Kansas, you are missing out! Also, we just got an Arby’s in town.

Regards,

A Chicken POON

Hello Webnet. As I sit here listening to my music, a song “Spring Has Sprung” is on, I think about the season. Spring. Spring…has it really sprung? I look outside and see dark, gray clouds. The kind of clouds you’d expect on the worst day of your life. Like when your cat dies. I don’t like days when cats die. I’ve owned many cats and they are all gone now. Thanks Spring for not Sprunging enough…enough to get me out of this somber missing-my-cats-mood.

Do you feel Spring has Sprung?

TTFN,

Poon

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Hey There, Hi There, Ho There Webnet Folks,

I found the greatest thing today! You know how I’m a compulsive snorter, right? I’ve had all manner of objects sucked into my nasal cavities in the heat of the moment: dice, marbles, a baby; anyway, I found a great product geared specifically toward CNI (Compulsive Nasal Inhalers) like me – duct tape! Just place a strip over your nostrils and finally be free!

I know what you’re thinking: “Richard, what’s to stop you from inhaling the duct tape?” This is the beauty of it: YOU CAN’T! IT’S STUCK TO THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR NOSE! I’ve had the same piece blocking up my nose for the last 75 hours!

I’m starting to feel dizzy. Poon says my breathing sounds like a suction hose. So tired.

Regards,

A Chicken POON

Hello Webnet. Poon here.

A review of urine:

I just found out urine is sterile. I am no longer afraid of our dog’s urine. I used to be horrified of urine. Anything that comes out florescent yellow when mixed with vitamins just does not sit well with me. Urine sounds worse than it actually is because of its name. UR-INE… say that out loud… UR-INE….URINE. Ugh. If urine is so sterile and safe – why don’t they call it cleanine. “I just drank a lot of water and now I have to go release my cleanine”. Or “Poon, may we have a cleanine sample?” “Well, of course Doctor, I’d be delighted to give you a cleanine sample” or “If you get stung by a sting ray be sure to get someone to cleaninate on the wound!”.

Does the word urine make you feel dirty?

TTFN,

Poon

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Hey There, Hi There, Ho There Webnet Folk!

Today’s review will take a good hard look at the Dictionary. If you’re like me, you enjoy curling up with a good book, but only for 10 minutes at a time, since your nigh uncontrollable addition to paper sniffing is just too much to resist, so you have to put it down and go through everything you learned in your 21-step program (for occasions when 12 steps aren’t enough) just to stop your eyes from crossing so deeply that your vertigo gives you a nasty case of the throw-ups. So as far as the dictionary goes, it’s just too tempting – avoid at all costs!

Regards,

A Chicken POON

Hello Webnet. I think kicking is a terrible thing to do, unless you are using it to make a point. People will take you much more seriously with a good kick. Even if you just kick the air or the floor or the door, you will be taken seriously. Kicking comes across as a violent moment in time when said kicker’s body tenses, blood boiling, and releases a reflex from the knee down that is often too fast for the naked eye. The next time someone insults you, start kicking the air in their direction and I guarantee you will walk away with a compliment about your power.
Do you Kick?

TTFN,

Poon

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Hey There, Hi There, Ho There Webnet Folks,

Richard here with a review of the latest food craze – cereal in a can! I know what you’re thinking – “Cereal in a can? Come on now Richard, does such a thing even exist?” It does now!

See, I have a fear of cardboard, more specifically of dry goods packaged in cardboard – mites, anybody? That’s how Whooping Cough gets spread! Since I make my own cereal at home (who can trust retailers anymore?), I knew that the best way to preserve my homemade breakfasts was to store them in cans. Of course, since I don’t trust store-bought cans (rabies), I had to make my own out of tinfoil.

Now that I look at it, it’s really more of an amorphous lump of tinfoil than anything else. And I can see several tears in the foil from my vigorous molding. Oh well!

Regards,

A Chicken POON

Hello Webnet. Poon here. Today I feel like reviewing names.

Names are a sensitive issue. Take mine for instance:

What were my parents thinking? If they were still alive, I would ask them if they thought ahead to what Junior High might be like for me.
All I have is the note they left me before they went on their last African Safari.

“Dear Poon…in case you ever wonder, you are named after a type of tree in Southern Asia, under which you were conceived”.
In case I ever wonder? Really Mom and Dad?

Is your name bittersweet too?

TTFN,

Poon

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Hey There Hi There Ho There Webnet Folks,

I was all set to take a bath (an air bath, of course – I have a fear that I have an allergy to bathwater – an elaborate system of deodorants and sanitary wipes have kept ol’ Richard spic and span since the 2nd grade!) tonight, when the idea for my next review hit me – Boxes! Don’t ask how I got there – my occasional attacks of Non-Associative Disorder Syndrome were officially recognized by the ADA in ’88. Anyway, I really do love those Zagnuts! Why wouldn’t you when you’re napping? FEET!

Regards,

A Chicken POON

Hello Webnet. Poon Here. I shall review well-made walls.

Well-made walls are sturdy. Don’t run into one.

They will hurt your head and your body.

Do you drink and run?

TTFN,

Poon

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