Dear Arab World,

I imagine, what with our President announcing a planned withdrawal of American forces from Iraq and Afghanistan, that you must be absolutely beside yourselves. There must be a part of you, however, that nags the back of your mind, a part that wonders if it could really be possible, if it could really be over.

Image by drinksmachine

Silly Arab World, do you really think we became the Great Satan by giving up? What, do you think we’re like the Russians, carting in truckloads of expendable soldiers from our oppressed satellite states just to pull out because we ran out of money? We don’t have expendable soldiers or oppressed satellite states, and we don’t run out of money.

I have in my possession a token, a talisman of your undoing. It is a dark portent from the sands of ancient Babylon itself, acquired in the fertile crescent between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers and brought here, to my American home, at great personal risk and expense to be gloated over, chortled at and mocked. It is a blue baseball hat bearing the embroidered words: “Burger King Iraq”.

Indeed. You have already lost. There are Burger King franchises in Iraq, likewise Seattle’s Best, Subway Sandwiches, smoothie parlors, ice cream chains…

Image by eesti

It’s only a matter of time now before Arab children are asking their mothers why dinner is never as good as a Happy Meal.

Double cheeseburgers. Khakis. Marlboro Reds. Coca Cola. Summer action blockbusters. Iced lattes. Nike. Hip Hop. Xbox. Simpsons reruns.

Your souls, so well girded against sin, are completely defenseless against convenience and affordable quality.

French fries. Poker nights. Red Bull. Reebok. Abercrombie. Drive-Thru everything.

Your ancient culture, so stalwart against invasion, has already been unalterably infiltrated by the juggernaut of mass appeal. Just like Japan to McDonald’s and the French to Disney, you too shall fall to the free market. We have already accomplished all we came to do.

by Alan Cordova

Your spirits remain Allah’s, your dinars shall belong to us.

Still rockin’ in the Free World,

Brian

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In Parts I-III (available for viewing) I offered to dispose of the Humane Society’s unadoptable pets by feeding them to my python. After prolonged negotiations, we have agreed not to pursue the option for now. Here are our final communications:

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Dear Ms. XXXXXX,

It is very clear through our conversations that you treat the animals under your care with the utmost regard and consideration, even after their passing, and I hope the community realizes what a wonderful institution they have in the San Diego Humane Society.

I notice from your last email that you often have pet owners with specific wishes concerning their pet’s remains. Perhaps were you to inform them of my snake and me, and the service we provide, they might be interested. It would be like a little piece of their beloved companion lived on in my python, and people could find that comforting. They might also be interested in paying just to witness the spectacle, as it can be quite an arresting and graphic display of adaptive physiology.

What do you think? More options available to the bereaved can’t be a bad thing…

Sincerely,
Brian

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So in Part I (available for viewing), I offered to help the Humane Society dispose of unadopted animals by feeding them to my python. Here in Part II, I post their response and address their reservations:

Dear Mr. Henley,

Thank you for contacting the San Diego Humane Society &SPCA.  Your concern regarding unadoptable pets and the stress of our staff is truly commendable and I appreciate your thought.  We strive to offer all of the animals we work with as much dignity as possible, in life and after. Therefore, any deceased animals we have are transferred to an animal memorial park.  The remains are then treated as the pet owner has requested, or they are cremated and buried at sea.   Please also understand that sodium pentobarbital may have been give to some of these animals to hasten their passing, and this drug would not be safe for your snake to consume.

Thank you again for your care and concern.

Sincerely,

XXXXXXXX, RVT

Animal Receiving Manager

San Diego Humane Society & SPCA

Dear XXXX,

I applaud your efforts in treating your animals with as much dignity as possible. I would argue, however, that there can be no more dignified an end than perpetuating the grand circle of life; giving the energy and nutrition of your very body to sustain another fellow being. And as for the sodium pentobarbital, I have coincidentally been building my snake’s resistance to it for quite some time.

Please consider,

Brian Henley

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LETTER SENT TO VARIOUS HUMANE SOCIETY OFFICES

Dear Humane Society;

I know that despite your best efforts, some companion animals are not adopted and need to be put down. I imagine the process must be very difficult for staff, and is probably quite expensive.

I own a large python. I have been feeding it feeder rats from a local pet store, but it occurs to me that I could spare your staff the trauma and expense (and save a few dollars myself) were we to work out a symbiotic arrangement. Please let me know what you think.

Sincerely,

Brian

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I actually got a letter back, and although it is an automated response it needs to be printed for two reasons:

One, I promised that any response would be published, and two…

It shows again that these letters are actually being sent. Otherwise, it’s not too exciting. Without further explanation, here is Part II of “The Pawns Keep Crawling off the Board”

by Midnight Glory

The game of chess has been played for millennia. A relatively recent way to play is by correspondence. Two contestants keep their own boards current from distant locations and transmit their next move via e-mail or letters. Interestingly enough, each player starts with eight pawns. I mean seriously, this metaphor writes itself…

Sent to six TLC executives from an email address set up under the name Jon Gosselin:

Dear : TLC Executive

From: Jon Gosselin

Attn: Please forward to Kate

Well done indeed! Your last gambol isolated the king, and kept him out of play! However, I still have a few tricks up my sleeve. I withdraw my castle, leaving your queen high and dry. How do you like that one? And I still have eight pawns, which I will leave precisely where they are: way out in front. They’re at great risk, but they certainly make great bargaining chips, don’t they?

I can’t wait to see your next move.

Sincerely,

Jon Gosselin

From: Dustin_Smith@discovery.com

Sent:Tue 10/06/09 4:13 PM

To: worlds.bestdad@live.com

  I am out of the office until 10/07/2009. I will be out of the office, without access to email, starting Thursday,

October 1 and returning on Wednesday, October 7. If this is an urgent mediarequest, please contact Samantha Fisher at samantha_fisher@discovery.com.Current press materials are also available at http://press.discovery.com.

 Otherwise, I’ll return your message when I return.Dustin

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by midnightglory

The following was sent to six TLC executives from an e-mail address set up under the name Jon Gosselin:

Dear: (TLC executive name)

Attn: Please forward to Kate

Well done indeed! Your last gambol isolated the king and kept him out of play. However, I still have a few tricks up my sleeve. I withdraw my castle, leaving the queen high and dry. And, I still have eigth pawns, which I will leave precisely where they are now: way out in front. They’re at great risk, but they certainly make good bargaining chips, don’t they?

I can’t wait to see your next move.

Sincerely,

Jon Gosselin

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Chimp Does Hamlet Courtesy of King Chimp

Letter sent to California Probate Court:

Michael Jackson’s recent, tragic demise affected the entire world, and all of us mourn the loss of a brilliant artist and humanitarian. Nobody, however, has felt his passing more deeply than me; his dearest friend, unflagging ally, and vaguely creepy pet chimpanzee.

Those closest to Michael treated him like a giant, flamboyant, pederast ATM machine. Never once did Joe come by just to play some catch with his boy, or take his son out to the casting pond, or belt-whip him through rehearsals for old times’ sake. And did Tito or Jermaine ever pop over to Neverland for a beer on the Ferris wheel? Or to reminisce about the old Jackson 5 days over a cup of coffee and some intra-venous Demerol? Well, actually they did, but never when Michael was home. It was always take, take, take from Michael. Especially those damn kids. “Feed us dinner!” “Drive us to school!” It never stopped with them.

I was the only one that gave something back. I would play with him, accompany him to the Grammys, even spend hours on end grooming him, pretending to look for lice in his hair. Of course there were no lice, nothing could survive in there, his entire head having been surgically replaced in 2003 with an autonomous colony of nanomachines, but he found it soothing and I was glad to oblige.

It was actually during one of these grooming sessions in early 1986 that he told me, “Bubbles, when I die of a heart attack on June 25, 2009, I want only you to inherit my entire estate.” So you see, oral contracts being binding, I am the sole beneficiary of the inimitable and lamented Michael Jackson.

To prove that Michael settled his princely estate on the right furry shoulders, I plan to follow in his example as a charitable benefactor, and give a large portion to his Heal the World foundation. For myself, I ask only enough to purchase the Democratic Republic of the Congo, enforce my will upon its existing population, and build a thousand-foot, fire-breathing, black marble statue there of me, Bubbles, God-King of Darkest Africa!

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Our Letter:

Dear PETA:

I heard that you sent a reproving letter to President Obama for swatting a fly in his recent interview. I’m sure that in so doing you attracted some criticism, but I say bravo! I applaud your tireless efforts to foster a compassionate culture.

Sincerely,

Brian Henley

Image courtesy of Rush Limbaugh

PETA’s Response

Human beings often don’t think before they act, and it is natural to swat a fly. Contrary to media reports, we didn’t condemn President Obama for acting on instinct. When the media began contacting us in droves for a statement, we obliged, simply by saying that the president is human and not the Buddha and shouldn’t be expected to do everything right.

The media made this into “flygate,” and some outlets falsely reported that PETA was “angry,” “upset,” and “miffed.” That gave us the opportunity, when asked, to point out that we do offer lots of ways in which to control insects of all kinds without harming them. There is even a chapter in PETA President Ingrid E. Newkirk’s book, The PETA Practical Guide to Animal Rights, about how to rid your home of “uninvited guests.” As a result, many people started ordering the PETA Catalog’s Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher (https://www.PETACatalog.org/prodinfo.asp?number=HP220). We even sent one to President Obama.

We have lots of other items on our agenda, as you can imagine, and PETA’s focus will remain on our core issues-promoting alternatives to eating animals, opposing fur and products made from animal skin, opposing laboratories that torment animals, and fighting the abuse of animals in circus training camps as well as other overt abuses that fall within our mission statement, which states that animals are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, or use for entertainment.

As a result of this story, people have been flooding PETA’s Web site, learning about our campaigns, and watching videos about factory farming and the fur industry. As one blogger pointed out (http://www.politicsdaily.com/2009/06/22/dem-or-repub-if-you-hurt-a-fly-peta-will-bug-you/), “[I]t’s brilliant from a public relations point of view …. I’m writing about it-you’re reading about it. Some people might have jumped online and researched the organization and the less laughable causes it stands for. Heck, some might have joined or made a donation.”

We can’t stop all suffering, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t stop any. We support compassion for all animals, even the most curious, smallest, and least sympathetic animals. We hope that everyone will take inspiration from Nobel Peace Prize winner Dr. Albert Schweitzer, who included insects in his realm of compassion and would stop to move a worm from hot pavement to cool earth. Schweitzer said that we each must “live daily from judgment to judgment, deciding each case as it arises, as wisely and mercifully as we can.” Our wish is for all people to act wisely and mercifully toward animals. To learn ways that you can help animals, please visit http://www.PETA.org/actioncenter.

Thank you again for writing and for the opportunity to clarify our position.

Sincerely,

The PETA Staff

http://www.PETA.org

No, no no! Now is not the time to play apologist. You’ve taken a bold stand on the crucial and relevant issue of presidential fly swatting, and in so doing you have won the fleeting attention of millions.

Quickly, while the eyes of the world are still upon you, you must go after the real villains: SC Johnson, producers of Raid ant and roach poison. The barbarous wholesale slaughter of our arthropod brethren facilitated by this soulless conglomerate must stop! It’s an insect Holocaust, we might as well be herding them into tiny showers. It is rumored that several cans are stored in White House cupboards. The hypocrisy of the executive branch knows no bounds.

Sincerely,

Brian Henley

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The boss told me a while back that he wanted a press release to announce our arrival to the interwebs.  So I wrote one and sent it to the very helpful and kind people at Marketwire. While the release never made it to the wires (for the reasons you will see below) I thought it would be a worthy addition to the site, so I have shared it, along with some of my correspondence with Marketwire, below. Enjoy!

The Letter and Press Release

Dear Molly,

As discussed earlier, please see the attached press release for our funny website. We appreciate any comments or ideas that you may have on this as we have never written a press release before.

Kind Regards,

Brian Henley
New Gold Tooth Corp

Newgoldtooth.com to Write Most Interesting Press Release in History

Press Release to Announce Press Release either Gleefully Post-Modern or Damningly Gratuitous

Pasadena, CA – June 22, 2009– New Gold Tooth Corp announced today that the company would soon be writing the most interesting press release in history in order to announce the launch of its comedic website www.newgoldtooth.com. The company made the announcement quietly to themselves during a private conference held in a sound-proofed basement with the lights out. Nevertheless the news has sparked controversy amongst nobody at all, nor does the outpouring of public sentiment show any sign of commencing.

Most outspoken regarding his ignorance of New Gold Tooth’s planned press release is Stickney de Bourgas, who refused to comment and seemed confused by the questions being shouted at him in Esperanto through a megaphone from a passing minivan. Bourgas was quoted as saying absolutely nothing, and was last seen receding in a rearview mirror as he stared resolutely at what appeared to be a cell phone or ipod.

In response, New Gold Tooth has issued the preceding statement.

About New Gold Tooth Corp

New Gold Tooth Corp is an entity consisting of the writers and producers of the website www.newgoldtooth.com. The comedy based website includes cartoons, videos, articles and (should our budget allow) awkward and hopefully uncomfortable geriatric pornography. This press release will not self-destruct in five seconds, nor will its reading be followed by a creepy phone caller saying, “Seven days!” in an ominous tone.

Contact
Brian Henley, New Gold Tooth Corp, email. henley_b@newgoldtooth.com.

The Response:

Hi Brian

Unfortunately, we do not recommend that you publish this press release. There are several issues with it that need to be addressed and corrected, the best example being that your headline is impossible to prove. I appreciate the need to make your release as funny as possible but without some significant changes I fear that it will not get the pickup you may be expecting.

Please call me at your earliest convenience so that we may discuss the possibility of an alterative release or at the very least to go over a few recommended changes.

Best,

Molly XXXXX
Marketwire

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